The Best Of 5 : Zimbabwean Presidential Candidates


By Simba The Comic King

Every five years or so, we have a comedy show we call “Presidential Elections.” We desperately try to bulls**t ourselves into thinking the reigning champion Robert Mugabe is all of a sudden going to say the sacred words, “I think it’s high time I quit.” There’s a better chance of Jesus coming back in a Lamborghini before that happens but it’s ok to dream, even Joseph was a dreamer and he got thrown into a pit for it. As our comedy show…sorry I mean elections are right round the corner we take a look back at some of the men who have had the nerve to run against ZANU PF’s immortal sole candidate…

Morgan Tsvangirai (Movement for Democratic Change)

A man whose tombstone should read, “Here lies a man who won but lost at the same damn time, life’s a b***h.” Morgan has been beaten so many times both literally and figuratively you’d think the soundtrack to his life is, “Beat It” by Michael Jackson. Morgan is the only dude in history to defy the ZANU PF odds. Tsvangirai first ran in presidential elections in 2002, an election which he obviously lost. He then contested again in 2008 and this time actually won by a 47.9% margin against Mugabe’s 43.2% but of course ZANU insisted that no candidate had the necessary 50% plus one vote to be declared the winner because they are sore losers like that. A run off was announced and initially Morgan was set to contest once more with the condition that international observers would be called in to do what they do best: international observing of course. Tsvangirai eventually withdrew from the run off fearing that his supporters may “get more than their a**es whooped” for voting for him. Not that he said it in those words exactly but that was the implication. Tsvangirai and Arthur Mutambara met with Mugabe for the first time in over a decade on the 22nd of July 2008 to broker a power sharing agreement which came to be famously known as the “Government of We Won The Elections Douchebags…But We’ll Take Whatever You’ll Give Us” or simply, Government of National Unity.

Mark Baard (Zimbabwe Republican Front)

Zimbabwe’s first ever aspiring white presidential candidate, Marky of the Zimbabwe Republican Front (ZPF) is like the reverse of Obama. We say aspiring because unfortunately he never officially ran. He simply threatened to run. To be fair though, out of the five delusional beings who submitted their names to run for presidency in 2013, his was never considered. If you look at it being a white presidential candidate comes with a lot of hustles, for starters even if he did win the elections, motherf***in’ ZANU would nevertheless take 51% of his votes and he’d have a tough time attending rallies as his jurisdiction is Borrowdale.

Kisinoti  Mukwazhe (Zimbabwe Development Party)

Now this dude’s last name should have been “My A**” but alas life isn’t a place where you could everything you want. Kisinoti Mukwazhe is the leader of Zimbabwe Development Party and just like Mark, almost ran for the 2013 general elections but withdrew cause his party was broke as f**k.  At the time Mukwazhe claimed his party had 780 000 supporters. If my primary school mathematics calculations serve me well, this nigga could have made 780k simply by asking all his supporters to part with a buck each. Mukwazhe’s sad story begins when he filed an application for funding at the Constitutional Court. The application was dismissed citing that it would be grossly “irresponsible and dangerous for government if all political parties were to be funded.” The judge might as well have raised his middle finger while he was at it. Mukwazhe eventually settled for rallying behind Mugabe instead, the leader of the same government that threw out his application, geez, talk about f**ked up priorities.

Simba Makoni (National Alliance for Democracy)

Apart from being the Lion King’s namesake, Simba’s other claim to fame is running in the 2008 presidential elections as the frontman of Mavambo/Kusile/Dawn which only became a formal political party on the 22nd of July 2008 and was renamed National Alliance for Democracy. Makoni who is a former ZANU PF member originally wanted to contest as a ZANU candidate but hey, it’s a one man show nigga. Simba was Zimbabwe’s Finance Minister from 2000 but was kicked out and got his a** replaced by Herbert Murerwa simply cause he had enough common sense to support the devaluation of the Zimbabwean Dollar, which Mugabe obviously did not like, no rocket science whatsoever.

Welshman Ncube (Movement for democratic Change without the”T”)

Try and imagine a team member of Voltron, the guy who pilots the red lion gets tired of the other guy who pilots the lion that’s kinda red and therefore decides to unform Voltron rendering him a D**k Of The Universe. That’s exactly what happened when Welshman Ncube and Morgan Tsvangirai broke up and split MDC in two. Tsvangirai would go on to lead MDC-T and Welshman went on to lead MDC supposedly because MDC-W would be the uncooolest name ever for a party. Welshman ran in the 2013 elections and came third after Mugabe and Tsvangirai.

Now that you know about past presidential delusionists, please do go register to vote, next year might just be the year gaddhemeti.

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