By Simba The Comic King
This past Friday might as well have been Friday the 13th for the Zimbabwean government as their worst nightmare….or at least one of them….came to pass: “A people that has pretty much been slapped on the cheek and has come to the realization that all this sanctions talk infact matuz** ebhuru or for the non-Shona readers, bulls**t.” Friday saw the coming together of eighteen political parties (which by the way somehow excuses the lame name for this article) to demand immediate implementation of electoral reforms to level the political playing field ahead of the 2018 elections, amongst other grievances. I have never typed a more intelligent sentence in my life, I swear. A lot of fuckery took place on Friday and here are the four positive and negative highlights from the demo that tell us that Zimbabwe really needs a change in government underwear…it clearly has too many skid marks:
- The Riot Police gang up to beat a defenseless granny: The ZRP has always been legendary in the art of stupidity and most recently, heartlessness but the one act that takes the cup is the beating of a defenseless old woman in her late sixties. Heck, the way them niggas kicked her you’d think they were in a death match with the Avengers using moves that would make the The Hulk green with envy, yes, pun very much intended. Here I was thinking we’d given the ZRP enough bribes for them not to beat up on old women but it seems we might be a few dollars short. In any normal, civilized society the job of the police is to serve and protect, guess ZRP missed the memo or they misconstrued it to mean; serve punches and kicks while you protect corrupt government officials and not the f***ing people cause they don’t bribe us enough.
- High Court clears NERA Demo: In what may be considered an unlikely victory, the High Court actually cleared the bloody demos! Which meant the whole thing was legal hence no police should have been involved they should have been at their roadblock posts nagging people for their fire extinguishers which apparently they themselves do not possess as evidenced by the number of cop cars going up in flames. Me nah rasta but mi say big op to da High Court for dis one mon.
- The arrests of Promise Mkwananzi and Sten Zvorwadza: For what? You might be asking yourself. For allegedly inciting violence on a police force that had started it first. I in no one way condone violence but anyone who owns a dog will tell you what happens if you back that dog in a corner, it may love you but will bite your a** and bark an apology later. It was everyone’s intent for the protests to be peaceful but it’s really hard to do that when you are being teargassed to death.
- Copacabana goes up in flames: If you live in Kuwadzana, Marlborough, Kensington then unfortunately this is or rather was your bus terminus. Copacabana burnt after ZANU PF and MDC-T youth clashed in what is believed to be a Game Of F**k you-niggas-my-party-rocks-harder-than-yours-and-will-forever-be-on-the Throne(s).
Kudos to those that have the courage to go up what Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo calls the “luciferian” government. I have no idea what that means except Lucifer may be the original name on the devil’s birth certificate. Whatever the case may be here at Kalabash, we encourage any future protests to happen peacefully and the greatest lesson we call all take from last Friday….INVEST IN A TEARGAS MASK GADDHEMETI!