4 Highlights of the #NERAdemo



By Simba The Comic King

This past Friday might as well have been Friday the 13th for the Zimbabwean government as their worst nightmare….or at least one of them….came to pass: “A people that has pretty much been slapped on the cheek and has come to the realization  that all this sanctions talk infact matuz** ebhuru or for the non-Shona readers, bulls**t.” Friday saw the coming together of eighteen political parties (which by the way somehow excuses the lame name for this article) to demand immediate implementation of electoral reforms to level the political playing field ahead of the 2018 elections, amongst other grievances. I have never typed a more intelligent sentence in my life, I swear.  A lot of fuckery took place on Friday and here are the four positive and negative highlights from the demo that tell us that Zimbabwe really needs a change in government underwear…it clearly has too many skid marks:

  • The Riot Police gang up to beat a defenseless granny: The ZRP has always been legendary in the art of stupidity and most recently, heartlessness but the one act that takes the cup is the beating   of a defenseless old woman in her late sixties. Heck, the way them niggas kicked her you’d think they were in a death match with the Avengers using moves that would make the The Hulk green with envy, yes, pun very much intended.  Here I was thinking we’d given the ZRP enough bribes for them not to beat up on old women but it seems we might be a few dollars short. In any normal, civilized society the job of the police is to serve and protect, guess ZRP missed the memo or they misconstrued it to mean; serve punches and kicks while you protect corrupt government officials and not the f***ing people cause they don’t bribe us enough.
  • High Court clears NERA Demo: In what may be considered an unlikely victory, the High Court actually cleared the bloody demos! Which meant the whole thing was legal hence no police should have been involved they should have been at their roadblock posts nagging people for their fire extinguishers which apparently they themselves do not possess as evidenced by the number of cop cars going up in flames. Me nah rasta but mi say big op to da High Court for dis one mon.
  • The arrests of Promise Mkwananzi and Sten Zvorwadza: For what? You might be asking yourself. For allegedly inciting violence on a police force that had started it first. I in no one way condone violence but anyone who owns a dog will tell you what happens if you back that dog in a corner, it may love you but will bite your a** and bark an apology later. It was everyone’s intent for the protests to be peaceful but it’s really hard to do that when you are being teargassed to death.
  • Copacabana goes up in flames: If you live in Kuwadzana, Marlborough, Kensington then unfortunately this is or rather was your bus terminus. Copacabana burnt after ZANU PF and MDC-T youth clashed in what is believed to be a Game Of F**k you-niggas-my-party-rocks-harder-than-yours-and-will-forever-be-on-the Throne(s).

Kudos to those that have the courage to go up what Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo calls the “luciferian” government. I have no idea what that means except Lucifer may be the original name on the devil’s birth certificate. Whatever the case may be here at Kalabash, we encourage any future protests to happen peacefully and the greatest lesson we call all take from last Friday….INVEST IN A TEARGAS MASK GADDHEMETI!

Solomon Mutsvairo’s poem Nehanda Nyakasikana is as relevant today as it was in 1956

Armed Zimbabwean police battle rioters in Harare, Monday, July, 4, 2016. Police in Zimbabwe's capital fired tear gas and water cannons in an attempt to quell rioting by taxi and mini bus drivers protesting what they describe as police harassment.The violence came amid a surge in protests in recent weeks because of economic hardships and alleged mismanagement by the government of President Robert Mugabe.(AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi)


By Kalabash Contributor

With the recent unfortunate incident of police firing teargas at protesters, smoke choking civilians, baton sticks raining down on innocent women and children, one notes a worrying increase in the use of force by the police. The worry is not the use of force by the ZRP as this has been a tool in their armory for years ,what is worrying is the escalation of the brutality, the brazenness of the ZRP in brutalizing the citizenry in broad daylight in a bid to clamp down on  the people’s desire to express themselves freely. Freedom of expression. That is the worry, the Police are nailing shut the coffin before Freedom of expression is all but buried.

With such ugly images having last graced the pages of popular papers some years back, we thought we could have a Throwback Thursday, rather than throw it a few years back we throw it way back to 1956. Solomon Mutsvairo’s poem titled Nehanda Nyakasikana (1956). One of the greatest and most enduring poems this side of the Limpopo. If you are a born free you probably think it was penned by the late Dr Simon Muzenda and we can totally understand.

Unfortunately there won’t be any direct translation, the poems strength is the richness of its language. Nehanda Nyakasikana Zimbabwe’s supreme spirit medium was a fierce warrior who was hanged in the 19th Century for standing up to white supremacy , I don’t intend to give a history lesson needless to say the poem is addressed to Nehanda Nyakasikana. The poem poses serious questions to Nehanda as the supreme spirit guardian of the country, Questions that forces me today to throwback to this poem and without putting words into the poets mouth I take one line that resonates with me on a personal level .

“Ko, inga taneta wani nekumwa misodzi?” (we are tired of drinking tears) a vivid  visual image of me every ,morning as I ask myself for ‘how long will I endure this, how long will my own suffering end’.
A powerful image that reveals the highest pinnacle of suffering to a point where masses drink their own salty tears. The poet’s words ring in my ears as he questions the lack of freedom for the masses, Mutsvairo imagines how generations to come will stand on the sidelines as the wealth of the nation will be pilfered by few. In mourning how the few elite (the whites at that time)

Benefited from the country’s resources yet the majority languished in poverty I try hard to see how that mourning that Mutsvairo was going through in colonial Rhodesia is any different from the mourning that I go through every day in independent present day Zimbabwe. My grievances are too many, my tears, my fears I could literally line for line juxtapose Mutsvairos predicament when he penned this poem to my own misery as I pen this article but alas I will let the poet himself reach out to you and let you line for line juxtapose your own sorrows maybe Mutsvairo had it better,

                         ‘O Nehanda Nyakasikana! Kunozove riniko Isu VaNyai tichitambudzika?

 Mweya unoera! Kunozove riniko Isu vaNyai tichidzvinyirirwa?

Ko, inga taneta wani nekumwa misodzi?

Ko, toshirira kudzamara kuve riniko?

Ko, inga panguva yechando miti inozvizorodza,

Inokuhumuka mashizha yombnwana rudekaro,

Kwozoti nekuchena kwokunze yodombera

Mashizha yovawo nenhenhere inoyevedza.

Shiri nemhuka nenyuchi dzokwezvwa nehwema.

Ko, isu rugare ruchatisvikira riniko?

Vana vacheche vatinobereka, vawakatipa Iwe Samasimba,

vanova ndivo vadyi Venhaka dzedu, nhasi vokura vakasunzumara,

Munyika yavo; voshaya nzvimbo dzokurarama Nokuzvidekadza?

Apa napapo pazere rufuse. Makumbo avo ava namatuzu nekungopfuviswa Neriri Pfumojena.

Ko! Vosvikepiko?

Mudzimba dzose nomumisha yose Vari kutandwa pamba nokurohwa;

Munzvimbo dzose nomumatare ose Avanotongerwa,

vari kungouraiwa senhunzi Pasina chikonzero, pasina mhosva.

Pfuma yenyika nhasi yakatorwa

Vakagovana paukama hwavo vePfumojena

Nhasi vari kudya mafuta ayo nyika, Isu tichidya nhoko dzezvironda.

Nhasi vari kudya vakora sehochi, Isu toondoroka sembwa ine gwembe.

Nhasi vagere murusununguko, Isu todzipwa huro namajoto.

Rusununguko Nehanda nderupi? Hamungaburukiriwo kwatiri here?

Harahwa dzedu dzobatwa sepwere munyika yawakavapa, musiki wengoni!

Havasisina rukudzo panyika;

Havasisinawo chavanacho;

Dambudziko guru ndiro ravawira.

Baba Mutsvene!

Gomo rine ngoni!

Hamungatinzwawo kuchema kwedu here?

Tine chitadzo chakakura sei Chokubva matiramwa zvakadai?

Nehanda Nyakasikana! Kunozova riniko Isu vaNyai tichitambudzika?

                                                                            Mhondoro Tsvene!

               Kunozova riniko Isu vaNyai tichidzvinyirirwa Neriri Pfumojena rasvika munyika?

Reading through this powerful poem published in 1956 in defiance of the oppressive settler regime one is hard pressed to differentiate with the present day difficulties we are going through and all at the hand of our own kind.

The poem is still relevant, not as point of reference but it still attacks the same issues that affected the masses back then. Maybe you have never bothered to listen to its content beyond the genial late VPs presentations. Talking of the late VP and his choice of poetic mascot, one has to question was Muzenda trying to tell us something and we all laughed it off.

Country resources are harvested by the few elite, did Mzee as we fondly called him know this was happening and all he could do was recite the poem to try and awaken us from a deep slumber. It behooves us not to laugh off the quirky politicians in our midst, next time Chinoz opens his mouth I will be listening intently just in case he has some futuristic warnings to give us about these looting elite.

It’s a sad day when a poem from 1956 represents the plight of Zimbabwean citizens in 2016. It is said the spirit of Nehanda Nyakasikana watches over this country we need those with the knowledge and knowhow on contacting her to give her a call real quick because these modern day activists would probably close their eyes and ask us to pray before they fly off to America and watch the Lakers game courtside.

MDC-T Youths #myZimbabwe launch turns violent

zbc  car


By Buhle Tshavango

Anti-riot police yesterday swooped in with their signature tear gas and ‘button sticks ‘to disperse a demonstration led by MDC-T youths who were protesting against the rise of police brutality towards citizens.

The demonstration which started at the MDC harvest house headquarters was quickly overrun by riot police who descended on the protestors. What started off as a gathering of youths chanting slogans and giving solidarity messages which were garnished with derogatory messages against the police force soon turned into a chaotic scene as riot police trucks disrupted the proceedings, firing teargas and beating up protestors as well as journalists present at the scene.

Not to be outdone the protestors regrouped with others fighting back in a running battle while others fled with the riot police in hot pursuit, hunting them down to as far as Five avenue. The protests come amidst rising cases of police brutality against protestors, an raised by MP Nelson Chamisa in Parliament as a growing concern.

In light of all the recent events which took place leading to hospitalisation of some of the activists protesting against the deteriorating of the economy ,  MDC-T Youth chairman Happy more Chidziva and youth members organised a #myZimbabwe campaign which was launched today minutes before the police disruption. The #myZimbabwe campaign is said to be a reclamation of the country and restoration of national pride . In a speech by Chidziva during the launch he spoke against bond notes , corruption and bad governance .

“We as MDC-T youths today bring in an action plan of liberating our mother land from the jaws of tyranny. From a government that sees fit to purchase luxurious ministerial cars for over 40 million dollars, spending money on travel and subsistence for Mugabe and his henchmen to endless and nonsensical trips around the globe when hospitals have no drugs just to attend a dance festival in India or collect a grandson in Singapore, our wallets are robbed.” Said Chidziva

He bemoaned the stifling of people’s constitutional right to demonstrate by the police.

“We want police to stand with the people against dictatorship “,

As if speaking of the devil yes they did appear soon after his speech and dispersed the crowd before they had delivered their ‘end police brutality now ‘petition to the Ministry of Home Affairs, at Mukwati Building as intended. Unconfirmed reports say Choppies supermarket owned by VP Mphoko along Nelson Mandela was exposed to looters during the demo , causing its security details to close the shop.

Watch video as Police throw tear gas in kombi.

Kombi Tales: Ndokumbirawo muswedere tikwane tese



by Tino Hondo

You know how sometimes you get into a kombi, you are the fourth and last person to sit in the row and the others just won’t make enough room for you to fit so you sit “neOne”? I did that today. Tried twice to ask, polite as can be, “Ndokumbirawo muswedere tikwane tese” (please make room so that we all fit) and they just shuffled their asses one micro-inch creating no extra room for me at all.

There is a name for such people, “maLandlord” acting like they own the vehicle and got rights to fill up all the space and breathe all the air. When they get into a kombi before you then you are done for, my friend. Though you are both fare paying passengers landlord “vanokuwachisa”, they squeeze you into the tiniest possible space while they look outside the window like they don’t know what they are doing.

But I am a veteran of the public transport system so I just sat back hangu and plotted my revenge.

Here is how we veterans handle this kind of scene: upon noticing that you have a landlord-tenant situation negotiate for room first before going to war. If the landlord is not forthcoming you mentally declare war, if they ain’t telepathic that ain’t your fault. The side eye you give them as you recline uncomfortably in your seat should be fair warning.

Then you sit back, relax and keep a straight face. You can even fiddle with your phone and generally look busy and unbothered. At the very next curve or hump, you know how these kombis either throw all of you sideways if its pacurve or up if its pahump? Use that moment when asses are either “up” or pushed sideways to settle more comfortably into the seat. Spread yourself as much as you wish. The idea really is to take up as much space as you can. Take my word for it, always by the time others get their asses down you will be sitting pretty – literally. Kunonzi “kusangana magaro pakuyambuka”, – or in this case “pakuturner”. I did just that today and lo and behold there was enough room for all of us actually on that seat! People are just selfish.

Lesson: You do not have to wait for people to do right by you. If they are being selfish, make your own way. PS: If your councillor or MP has not done anything for you lately sangana navo paballot next time there is elections. #Vote2018

Featured Image courtesy of VOA Zimbabwe

4 Happenings on social media that ‘inspired’ the cyber crime bill



By Simba The Comic King

“Kana mafesi ako akakutengera maSuper akawandisa, kana wakuda malager unovati chii, haaaaa, boyz rangu  super mandiwanzira?” That’s a really s***ty joke I decided to quote just for it’s reference to Supa IT Man who is working on making sure a not so supa cybercrime bill hits the pearly gates of parliament. Once the bill is in effect, it will affect quite a number of things including the economy but mostly what you can or cannot post on social media.

So videos of you making a comedian kiss your feet will be a definite no-no when this cybercrime bill s**t hits the fan. Even though the government is in denial like a river in Eqypt, we are damn sure that the hullabaloo over the drafting of a cyber bill was made necessary by commotion being caused by citizens on socia media platforms including but definitely not limited to:

1. Pastor Evan’s viral video: One fine sunny day, a certain pastor got sick and tired of just praying and fasting. Fasting is a beautiful thing especially when it’s voluntary but a totally different thing when you are fasting cause you are mealie meal-less. #ThisPastor having thought and thought came up with a brilliant but suicidal idea, to make a selfie video telling the hurumende that he is sick and tired of their crap! Why one would complain about Ministers looting state resources seems to be incomprehensible but nevertheless #ThisPastor did it.

I remember watching Pastor Evan’s video and thinking to myself, “#ThisPastor probably never heard of those acid stories growing up, innit?” Jokes temporarily aside, #ThisVideo did something monumental for the citizens of Zimbabwe, it taught us that not only can we post and like things in the comfort of our own homes, but we can also PROTEST in the comfort of our own homes. Say what you want about #ThisPastor, whether or not he is enjoying MacDonalds’ meals and Starbucks every night, that is besides the point, that one bold move taught us all that we are allowed to say, “Enough is enough.” So this is definitely number one on our list of social media b***h  moves that made the government s**t in its corrupt pants.

2. The Hashtag movement: #ThisFlag #Tajamuka #Hatichatya #ShutDownZimbabwe and my personal favourite #PersonalFavourite (ok, the last one may have been made up) became the leading voices of HashtagZimbabweFM. For the first time ever in the history of cornflakes and Zimbabwe, the people were speaking out using tools we originally thought were only for stalking the girl you never got to date in high school. From Twitter; Facebook to Hotmail, citizens whose freedom of speech was suppressed all of sudden could say what they want and add any hashtag of their choice at the end of their digtal outburst.

3. Mobilisation of peaceful protests: Though the success of the first #ShutDownZimbabwe can be widely attributed to civil servants not getting their dues in time for their monthly bank queue get together; we can not deny that social media did play a part in spreading the message of “Please let us be united in sitting our asses at home,   instead of  going to work we can spend the day watching re-runs of Breaking Bad.” Had it not been for the speed of social media some people would have  showed up for work  and hung themselves or become vendors  later on thinking  their workplaces had finally closed down. That comrades, is what would have been known as PPD: peaceful protest diahrrhea.

4. War Vets’ announcement: Having been in the dark  for years  on the dire economic situation   in Zimbabwe, someone did us a favour and removed  the blindfold that had been blinding every war veteran  and  they realised; “Comrades, ever  since we foughtthat war what have we gotten out of it except for a few annoying jingles about land we don’t have?” The War Vets Association used Facebook to post an ultimatum to the government and I must say the english used in it was a bit too good.                                                       

The passing of a cybercrime bill whether it is unsuccessful or not what our government is failing to realise is that what they are dealing with is a Frankenstein that they engineered in their own corrupt lab and it’s only a matter of time before the chihutas come home to roost.

You can pass a cybercrime bill today Mr Minister but can you pass a bill that will fix the economy tomorrow? Til next time…..gaddhemeti.