4 ways being a patriot is now illegal

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By Simba The Comic King

Being a patriot is a basic requirement of any citizen of any nation. After all if you aren’t a patriot you are just a loser like a Reading FC supporter (note even the name sounds loserish). However this is no longer necessary in a ZANU PF ruled Zimbabwe. In fact it’s so bad that being a patriot is now considered a crime, long gone are the days when ZANU PF used to give a f**k about patriotism, zero f**ks is the order of the day now.

Their f**ks disappeared along  with that fifteen billion dollars. As Winky D would say,”MaF**ks  ese disappear” or something along those lines.

1. Selling of Flag

Zimbabwe’s Ministry of Justice and Legal (and Illegal Flag Selling) Affairs recently banned anyone from selling the national flag as such activities are bound to bring the flag to disrepute. This kills an entire industry as many patriotic entrepreneurs (patriotic more to their stomachs than their country) could be seen at traffic lights “grinding.”

Anyone caught selling the good ol’ red, yellow, green, white and black stripes could be fined of $200. I wonder how many flags you’d have to sell to raise that much and if they feel the money is not enough they’ll throw in a mere six months in prison just for good measure where instead of picking up flags you can pick up the soap.

2. Singing National Anthem

In August, ten people were arrested at a New Zealand vs Zimbabwe cricket match for singing the national anthem. When Solomon Mutsvairo penned this national jam I don’t think he ever anticipated that it would ever become a prison worthy song. If he knew he probably would have settled for a dancehall tune instead something that Killer T and empress Fungisai could turn into a hit song.

3. Wearing graduate gowns 

Visit any country in the world and they will tell you that the one thing our nation is well known for is education.

This basically means part of our patriotism stems from this fact but nowadays being formerly educated is null and void as you’d much rather take your child to Hwindi Academy at an early age, they have a better chance of making a living by being a human speaker than going to university. In ZANU PF-bwe the only job you are most likely to get is in a prison cell at Chikurubi, that is if you are actually bold enough to complain about being unemployed.

Who are you to be mad at the government for allowing the privilege of sitting your ass at home watching episodes of Prison Break back to back. You’d rather do that than end up Prison Breaking in real life.

4. Protesting for Basic Human Rights

Human Rights are a must for a true patriot. After all these are the main reason why we are being gaddamn patriotic anyway.

But when the name of your ruling party is ZANU PF you’d be lucky if you even got Human Lefts. After the courts made demonstrations legal, the police figured “why do what a judge says when we are the ones who enforce those laws?” So they decided to take a leaf from the book of Tupac, Only God Can Judge Them Now. Currently any form of protesting is banned even if it’s something as innocent and creative as playing soccer in the middle of the street. Till next rant, gaddhemeti.

A conversation with a war vet

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By Kudzai Zvinavavshe

Believe it or not I walked home with a war veteran who is also a vendor. While our time together was limited I believe we had a quite honest discussion. We started off reflecting on how times are hard something we both agreed on as many of you know this ends up with politics in it. So why not we spoke about that too.

He is a proud father who has taken all his children through tertiary education. So he says, “you know I thought it would get easy when the kids are done studying but they are still under my care and believe me young adults are more expensive than small children.”

I wasn’t very quick to catch on to this so I quizzed him further, in which he replied, “kana vakura munebudget yakafanana” otherwise translated to when they are grown we have a similar budget.

“Now that they are grown they know fashion, they belong in social circles that often need money to fit in, be it church or friends. Aww don’t forget airtime for whatsapp and transport to church gatherings, unlike small children that you can easily tell there is no money” he added.

After having a brief laugh on this, the inevitable happened we talked current state of the nation. I would hate to call it politics cause this is a word many stay away from yet the potholes, food, electricity, water and every other aspects that my fellow countrymen talk about is also politics.

We agreed on a lot really, interesting observations like there is no poor person representing the poor Zimbabweans in parliament. The shady ways how politicians have accumulated wealth especially from the ruling party.
I didn’t want to spook him away with too many questions but I had to ask, “saka ndizvo zvamakayendera kuhondo here?” Is this why you went to the liberation struggle?

In which he answered “No” followed by a brief silence which he finally broke saying, “we didn’t go to war for power, we went to war to liberate the masses yet here we are”

Ironically it was a cold evening so he said, “do you feel how cold it is? During the war we didn’t have enough warm clothes but we were in the bush fighting”

He vividly recalls one rainy emotional night, “I was rained and had to keep moving covered with a blanket, do you know the blanket can act as a tent when you tightly cover your body but when you are sleeping on the ground water forms below you so you have to constantly move. Our leaders have let us down but one day their reign will come to an end” he said.

My inquisitive nature prompted me to ask another question so I did, “saka murikubvumirana nanaMatemadanda here”

Without hesitation he agreed and said we as war vets have people at heart and if you hear our war vet leaders speaking we all would have agreed to that. What any of us says, we stand by it.

Our rather short walk came to an end and I went on with my evening. Reflecting on my encounter with the elderly chap I was overwhelmed with anger and sadness at the same time. Zimbabwe my motherland is a failed state one that has left the elderly reminiscing the oppressive Rhodesian era.

3 Theories Behind Benhura’s “STATUE”

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by Simba The Comic King

In the last few days social media has been ablaze with pictures of the great Dominic Benhura’s latest work of art, a sculpture of President Robert Mugabe. However according to the social media masses it isn’t art at all and if the SMMs’ insist it’s not art then it’s not art you non-social media using ignoramus. After all everyone on social media is a critic when necessary (availability of bundles also has to be put into consideration). First accusation cast against Benhura is that his sculpture is hideous and it is in fact not a sculpture at all but a statue disguised as a sculpture and that if it ever entered X-Factor its’ stage name would be Statue Of Favour. The Simon Cowell of statues would probably shout, “You just don’t have what it takes to be a sculpture you bloody moronic poser, keep practicing!” Even the Statue Of Liberty tweeted about this work of art, the tweet has since been castigated by ZANU PF as western social media terrorism?propaganda so you won’t find it, yes I know you actually searched @statueofliberty on twitter, smart ass. Dominic insists he was looking at the President’s portrait when he was carving his face into stone, we believe you D.B just that maybe you shouldn’t have been watching Shrek at the same time. We cannot help but wonder if perhaps they may be a subliminal message to Mr Benhura’s art:

  • It was commissioned by the West: Ever watched a movie with a spy who turned out to be a spy for more than one country. These are usually known as double agents or greedy douchebags. Benhura may have been commissioned by our Head Of State and Britain and America and any other imaginary  ZANU PF enemy you can think of to make that sculpture we are convinced is a statue. Why would the West do this? To shame our Head Of State of course as they knew Zimbabweans are most likely to confuse a sculpture for a statue and trend the s**t out of that stone all over social media accompanied by nasty comments and several lol’s and kkkkk’s.
  • It could be worth $15 Billion: What better place to hide fifteen bidza than a hideous statue or sculpture or whatever the hell that is? We have a  theory that some genius within the ruling party may have gone to a politiburo meeting and suggested, “Look comrades before we proceed with the pamberi things and fist what nots, we’ve just screwed over the nation 15 billion bucks, why don’t we get Dominic Benhura to make a big ass ugly statue and hide the money in there, no one would suspect a thing, except for some comedian who writes for kalabash.com…but who’s gonna believe him?”
  • Artistic expression of the nation’s status quo: It may as well just be Benhura’s artsy way of protesting. Ingenius if you ask me. While everyone else is looting and burning s**t up Benhura in a moment of Eureka said to himself, “ No me and my artistic hands can never lift a stone to throw only a stone to carve.” So he decided to protest in a way no one else has ever protested. Make a statue with the not so hidden message of things have gotten ugly and present it to the President himself, that oughta make him see we mean business. Maybe the MDC is on the wrong path, instead of training stone throwing militia, they should really consider Dominic Benhura turning them into stone carving militia instead, gaddhemeti.

4 classic ZANU PF propaganda moments

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by Simba The Comic King

It isn’t news that when ZANU PF tells the news its’ as good as getting Robin Thicke to read it as the lines are a bit blurred in their news telling. Infact f**k blurred, the lines aren’t just there at all. Reading the gospel according to ZANU PF is as good as reading anything I write, it’s all a joke. Without much further ado, I bring you the five most ridiculous tales as reported by ZANU PF mouthpieces.

  • MDC Training Stone Throwing Militia: Now I’m not sure how and where you train niggas to throw stones? Is there a David and Goliath School of Stone Throwing we are not aware of? If so I would like to get myself a PhD in stone throwing please and become a Dr (stone throwing) Amai. At this rate MDC will soon be training teargas repelling militia, “F**k you and your teargas smoke! I breathe that s**t for breakfast!!!”
  • StayAway A Flop: July 6 saw the most successful stayaway in the history of successful stayaways but not according to ZBC, Herald and many other ZANU PF propaganda churning machines. According to them “peace reigned throughout the day and people reported to work as usual with some parts of the country being affected by heavy rains.” To an extent they were reigned though cause peace did reign after a couple of protestors got their asses whooped in high density area. If cops kick your ass you have no choice but to be peaceful. They were also very right about people going to work that day, the popos were definitely at work that day even though the government is continuously struggling to pay them on time. Bravo to you, officers. F***in’ numbskulls.
  • Government Warns Social Media Users: The Government has on many occasions, “ warned unruly elements sending subversive messages and threats on social media……and other s**t I was just too lazy to type.” To add icing to the propaganda cake at one point Supa Mandiwanzira even threatened to “remove” Pastor Evan Mawarire from Twitter. Clearly the Minister suffers from temporary amnesia where he occasionally forgets that he is a Minister and instead thinks he is The Twit-erminator. The Mark Zuckerberg of Twitter must have had a good laugh that day.
  • West Responsible For Sanctions: Our list would not be complete with the most propangandiest propaganda ever propagandated by ZANU PF. How the West is seemingly responsible for every horror in Zimbabwe. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were responsible for the recent partial solar eclipse. ZANU will have you believe that the West is responsible for everything including but not limited to, the girl you had a one night stand with falling pregnant, your dismal sexual performance, yeah, the West made you cum quick comrade. If it wasn’t for them you could have gone on All Night Long like your name is Lionel Richie.

Reading the Herald is more entertaining than any episode of The Big Bang Theory and that’s largely due to the fact that ZANU is Banging Big Fake Theories on a daily basis. Tell a lie many times and you’ll end up believing it, guess this is why they believe everything to be OK in this country. Gaddhemeti.

7 People that should attend the Shoko Hub Unconference 2016

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by Kudzayi Zvinavavshe

Zimbabwe’s annual premium new media conference Shoko Hub Unconference is billed to take place later in the month with dates slated at 23rd to 24th of this month. The Unconference comes with great promises of networking with renowned and international media practitioners concurrently with budding creative standing a chance to win grants to start working on their innovative projects.

This year’s event will dive into the burning issues about the internet today: from net neutrality to monetizing content, from internet shutdowns to cutting edge new citizen journalism ideas. Including speakers from Buzzfeed (USA), #Istand4Peace (Zambia), ZimbaWomen (Uganda), TechZim (Zimbabwe) and Sahara Reporters (Nigeria) this gathering is guaranteed to get you buzzing!

As a conference big on innovation it’s going to be the first that gives its participants a Virtual Reality technology experience. With all that in mind we compiled a list of people who should attend this free entry but must attend conference.

Citizen Journalists
Any aspiring or established citizen journalism should attend as they will learn on how to engage their audience and also monetize their initiatives. Reporting tools is also another aspect that will be discussed.

Journalists
Journalists will get a rare opportunity to network with foreign journalists, and also come across a lot of story ideas to keep them in the newsroom for weeks if not months. Any journalists who have covered the recent violent protests or with an interest of covering any in the future will definitely need to attend as some of the speakers will speak from experience on how they managed to cover some of the world’s hostile places and remained safe throughout.

Student Journalists
Having been to a journalism college once, the encouragement for one to get their foot into the media whilst still at college may be fulfilled at this conference as opinion leaders, media practitioners will be in one place hence pausing a great platform to network and source the much needed internship.

Active Citizens
Any active citizen would also want to know how to keep safe or minimize risk during violent protests. Other issues of interest to citizens would be why internet is so expensive and the future of internet.

Activists
Activists are also encouraged to attend as they will meet journalists who often give them the much needed publicity in times of need. They will also benefit through knowing …..

Tech Entrepreneurs and Media Innovators
Creatives will be enlightened on the rocky path of a starting a start-up simultaneously with the Zimbabwean atmosphere for start-ups. Those with burning ideas will get an opportunity to present them at the conference there by standing a chance to win seed money to bankroll their ideas.

While I wouldn’t encourage you to attend for the free wifi and the food. These might be there, don’t hunt me down when you attend and there is nothing. I said there might be there.

RSVP to attend

Featured Image from The Hub Unconference 2016.