By Simba The Comic King
Being a patriot is a basic requirement of any citizen of any nation. After all if you aren’t a patriot you are just a loser like a Reading FC supporter (note even the name sounds loserish). However this is no longer necessary in a ZANU PF ruled Zimbabwe. In fact it’s so bad that being a patriot is now considered a crime, long gone are the days when ZANU PF used to give a f**k about patriotism, zero f**ks is the order of the day now.
Their f**ks disappeared along with that fifteen billion dollars. As Winky D would say,”MaF**ks ese disappear” or something along those lines.
1. Selling of Flag
Zimbabwe’s Ministry of Justice and Legal (and Illegal Flag Selling) Affairs recently banned anyone from selling the national flag as such activities are bound to bring the flag to disrepute. This kills an entire industry as many patriotic entrepreneurs (patriotic more to their stomachs than their country) could be seen at traffic lights “grinding.”
Anyone caught selling the good ol’ red, yellow, green, white and black stripes could be fined of $200. I wonder how many flags you’d have to sell to raise that much and if they feel the money is not enough they’ll throw in a mere six months in prison just for good measure where instead of picking up flags you can pick up the soap.
2. Singing National Anthem
In August, ten people were arrested at a New Zealand vs Zimbabwe cricket match for singing the national anthem. When Solomon Mutsvairo penned this national jam I don’t think he ever anticipated that it would ever become a prison worthy song. If he knew he probably would have settled for a dancehall tune instead something that Killer T and empress Fungisai could turn into a hit song.
3. Wearing graduate gowns
Visit any country in the world and they will tell you that the one thing our nation is well known for is education.
This basically means part of our patriotism stems from this fact but nowadays being formerly educated is null and void as you’d much rather take your child to Hwindi Academy at an early age, they have a better chance of making a living by being a human speaker than going to university. In ZANU PF-bwe the only job you are most likely to get is in a prison cell at Chikurubi, that is if you are actually bold enough to complain about being unemployed.
Who are you to be mad at the government for allowing the privilege of sitting your ass at home watching episodes of Prison Break back to back. You’d rather do that than end up Prison Breaking in real life.
4. Protesting for Basic Human Rights
Human Rights are a must for a true patriot. After all these are the main reason why we are being gaddamn patriotic anyway.
But when the name of your ruling party is ZANU PF you’d be lucky if you even got Human Lefts. After the courts made demonstrations legal, the police figured “why do what a judge says when we are the ones who enforce those laws?” So they decided to take a leaf from the book of Tupac, Only God Can Judge Them Now. Currently any form of protesting is banned even if it’s something as innocent and creative as playing soccer in the middle of the street. Till next rant, gaddhemeti.