3 reasons why the Bulawayo audience is hard to please


by Nigel Ndlovu

Bulawayo is known as the cultural hub of Zimbabwe. It is Bulawayo where you find all most all the tribes in Zimbabwe. Most of  Zimbabwe’s talented individuals come from Bulawayo. So why is that a city with many talented people continues to be hostile to creatives and artists? A few weeks ago, Jah Prayzer was booed on stage at Kalawa and Winky Dee on the other had was received like a savior. Other youthful acts like Cal_ViN have also been humiliated by the crowds in their own city. In 2016 I attended a lot of music shows, art shows in the city and I have compiled a list of the some of the reasons why the Bulawayo audience is hard to please.

Something New and Original

The Bulawayo crowd want something new and original. It is a no brainer that people in Bulawayo are used to almost all the music trends. If you are a musician or a performer in Bulawayo and you bring something new to the table people will always gravitate towards your brand. However, if you try to force it on them you will witness the fire of empty beer cans rain upon you on stage. A good example is when Cal_ViN tried to launch some of his new tracks at a street show in Bulawayo. The crowd was quick to dismiss the act because he tried to force them in to something new. If it’s something new and original then the crowd must know it first from mass media communications like the radio and piracy. Winky D’s latest album is doing well in Bulawayo because it has been well promoted by aspects I stated above. Magwaza is another musician brought something new and original as such continues to please the Bulawayo crowd

Bulawayo audience is not dumb

The audience in Bulawayo somehow knows how to separate a good artistic product from a poor one. If your show is not well marketed and promoted chances are you will not see the Bulawayo audience show up at show. Some trusted and well promoted creative brands including the Umahlekisa Comedy Club are doing well because of some of their well-thought out promotional activities and shows. If your show or act seems bogus in any way, then the Bulawayo audience will be quick to dismiss it. The audience values quality over quantity [Performance duration]. Some great acts have performed for 30 mins to 45 mins and left the Bulawayo crowd happy.

The South African element

It is no secret that the Bulawayo audience is affiliated to South African pop culture, this is due to various reasons which are scheduled for another article, with this in mind it is right to say successful acts in Bulawayo have some South African element in them. Take for example when  Cal_ViN collaborated Cassper Nyovest a well-known South African rapper the track blew-up like crazy in the city. The annual Kalawa Homecoming which brings some of the hottest acts from South Africa every year is one of the most attended shows in the city. This is a clear testimony that the audience in Bulawayo like art with the South African element.

Thank you for reading please feel free to add some of the reasons in the comments section why the Bulawayo audience is hard to please.

3 conspiracy theories behind POTRAZ hiking tariffs | #DataMustFall


by Simba The Comic King

God said let there be light and Strive said let there be daylight robbery” and “Very soon people will be paying Lobola with Data Bundles,” were some of the sentiments echoed on social media yesterday….wait, I said that s**t *insert blush here.* POTRAZ effective as of 11 January 2017 ordered the hiking of tariffs for all mobile operators, this in turn forced network providers to increase voice and data bundle charges, with the most preposterously costly of them all obviously being EcoThief: Your Phone, Your –Bundleless-Wallet. The following is a breakdown of the Econet’s new social media bundle charges.
(Please be advised before dialing *143# make sure you have medical aid):
• $0.50 – 10MB
• $1.00 – 30MB
• $2.50 – 80MB
• $5.00 – 170MB
• $7.50 – 300MB
• $10.00 – 450MB
This long and short of it all is that you will need to part your entire salary to use WhatsApp. Lol, kkkkkkkkk. Pun intended. The guy in your neighborhood who always pulls conspiracy theories out his a** will insist that POTRAZ increased tariffs after instructions from the powers that be, this whole thing is a f**kin’ conspiracy for reasons that include….

Government Is Attempting To Thwart Social Media Political Activism

If we knew #ThisFlag was going to cause a surge in social media bundle charges we probably would have told Pastor Evan to shut the f**k up, burn #ThisFlag and blow the ashes in Lumumba’s face. It’s a fact that all the hullabaloo caused by social media last year made mashefu shift uneasily in their seats for most of 2016, they already had enough problems trying to figure out how to spend fifteen billion and now niggas gon’ do them like that?! It was a threat that they furiously tried to deny although they gave themselves away when they tried to shut down the internet in the midst of stayaways. So government did what those Hollywood movies always say, “if you can’t beat them, join them….then increase the s**t out of tariffs later on. If you don’t get your regular dose of posts from Thomas Chizhanje you’ll know he got mugged by EcoThief.
This Is All To Lure Business Away From Econet To NetOne (which is State Owned)

People have always hated Econet but somehow we always find a way to just suck up their bulls**t, kiss and make up. It’s sort of like a Stunner and Olinda relationship. Network subscribers, Telecel and NetOne have always sorta struggled in the numbers games (sorta is sorta an understatement). As government struggles to pay civil servants, POTRAZ’s daylight robbing provides them with the money they so desperately need.

It Could be A Pre-Election Campaign Strategy

Elections are coming up soon and hashtags like #RegisterToVoteIn2018ForAnyPartyThatIsNotZANUpf are already starting to pop up. ZANU PF still has an evil genius by the name of Jonathan Moyo on their side who probably masterminded all of this. Minister of Information Communication Technology, Postal and Courier Services , Supa Mandiwanzira tweeted that he was not available to comment since he’s still on holiday but as soon as he’s back on January 30 he’ll address this issue, our only fear is that by the time he comes back we might not be able to go on f**kin’ twitter. From this day on every Zimbabwean’s success shall now be measured by their last seen gaddhemeti!!!

How is this man ZANU’s only candidate?


by Chamu Norwa

An entire party with a membership base in its millions, met in Masvingo in early December, and unanimously decided that Robert Mugabe was the best candidate for President that they had to offer. This is baffles my mind on so many levels. Is it out fear that they keep him at the helm who he is clear struggling. 

He is close to a century old

He has been President through a period of seven different American Presidents. While through his 36 year term, he has attended the burials of over 20 African Presidents.

He was alive when Hitler ruled Germany and also throughout World War II and the Cold War.

The point is he has been alive for a very long time. Most 80 year olds can barely walk let alone remain awake for longer than an hour at a time yet he is entrusted with a country to run.

He has a poor track record

He has led the rural-ification of urban Zimbabwe for over 36 years. In what is supposed to be the metropolitan capital of the country, Harare, you will find citizens walking long distances and getting water from “mugodhi”. In the CBD, you will drive through derelict roads more neglected than those of rural Gokwe.

On a weekday you will come across hundreds of idle men and women some of them graduates seated “pa bridge” because the economy can’t absorb them.

Yet for the next five years under this man, all we as Zimbabweans are guaranteed of is more speech about western agendas and sanctions are ruining our country.

His gift to Zanu was rice

He is a man who thought 5kgs of rice, not a thriving economy, not an incorrupt leadership, not the right to clean water, but RICE was a gift appropriate for the people of Zimbabwe. Surely he must be taunting the people to see just how much he can get away with.

His wife is Grace Mugabe

His election comes against the backdrop of his wife being in a legal battle where she externalised US$1,3 million for a diamond ring yet the greater population sleep in queues outside Banks just to withdraw US$50. She also had the gall to stand in front of an audience to declare that “Robert Mugabe is the poorest man” alive. This is probably only the tip of the iceberg. We can only wonder how much more of the country’s money she has plundered.

How is this man Zanu’s only candidate?

Look at this video from Twitter by Haru Mutasa.

He can barely lift a shovel, while Grace Mugabe flaunts diamond rings on each of her fingers, rings which we now know are ill gotten

The corrupt political elites who benefit from Mugabe’s leadership will continue to protect him and he will run unopposed even though time and time again he has proven incapable of any good.

Everyone else will allow this to continue over and over again. We will continue to hope for divine intervention but this man so far has lived through three generations and might even survive for one more.

I blame our own complacence. I, myself am happy to be a keyboard warrior, typing my frustration from a screen hiding my cowardly self somewhere in Zimbabwe but where there is a call for any real action, I am nowhere to be found. We are like sheep and have begotten a government of wolves

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”― Edward R. Murrow

In 2017, may the Lord grant us courage.

Stories That Kept Our Social Media Ablaze in 2016 | Kalabash Bulls**t Awards


by Simba The Comic King 

Every year, good and bad things happen and in the middle of good and bad things is a little something called bulls**t. The people or things who engage in the art of BS deserve awards too cause without them we would have nothing to keep us on social media all day, wasting our lives and bundles away. Hopefully as we dish out these awards, no one sent Mudiwa to pick up theirs for them, this is for award winners, not award breakers…

  1. Bond Notes – Since early 2016, no one has made more noise on social media than Comrade Bond. For those of you who are reading this cause you only get bundles on Christmas and Unity Day, I digress: The US dollar having slowly become scarce, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe had a meeting, which may or may not have involved weed, we shall assume there wasn’t as we hold these niggas in high esteem. They sat down and decided, “Hey niggas, you know we’ve stolen so much of the US dollar to enrich ourselves we don’t have enough of it anymore, why don’t we buy tissue paper print some shit on it and tell people its’ money?” Even though we prayed so hard that this wouldn’t come to pass, the devil who is also known as John Mangudya was like, “Yes I’m a liar which is why I’m making money that can lie as well.” Despite the fact that bond notes provide short term relief, they definitely cannot dupe the economy in the long run.
  2. Donald Trump – We are thinking that maybe this carrot, sorry I mean dude, should have been number one cause he trended on GLOBAL social media. We all know America is the land of opportun(stupid)ity right? What we didn’t see coming is how far they’d take the opportun(stupid)ity.  In a land where American Idol gets more votes than American president, makes you wonder what TV show Hilary Clinton lost her votes to, Orange Is The New Black perhaps?
  3. Fungisai’s pose– Fungisai, whom we now assume goes by the name Empress Fungi, caused quite the stir on social media with her misguided, new found sense of posing and dressing. The photo that trended on social media was taken at the ZimDancehall awards and Empress Fungi says the photographer conveniently took the photo while she was trying to “catch” her falling clutch bag. Yeah right Empress Fungi, we’ll clutch on to that excuse for now.
  4. Lumumba’s F Bomb– With Acie we were stuck between a rock and a hard place or more appropriately an F Bomb and a hard d**k as we tried to figure out whether to give the award to his F bomb or sextape, we unanimously came to the conclusion that the F bomb gets the award and it is amazing that he is still alive to get it.
  5. Prophet Of DOOM– Our last two winners are men of the cloth, first we have prophet Lethebo Rabalago, whom we are seriously convinced took a prophet course while he was working for a pesticide company. Lethebo sprayed DOOM on members of his congregation claiming the s**t can cure them of any affliction including demons. We aren’t really worried about members of his church cause what they really need to be cured of is stupidity, what “bugs” us, is that if pesticide is now exclusively for demon relief, we aren’t too excited with the idea of laying hands on f**kin’ cockroaches.
  6. TB Joshua false prophecy– Bond notes weren’t the only thing fake we were exposed to this year. Just before Donald Trump became president elect, Prophet TB prophesized that a woman would take presidential office, the s**t eventually hit the prophetic fan when a carrot took office instead. Since this whole episode is f**kfully embarrassing, we wouldn’t blame you if you sent Mudiwa to collect your award for you, prophet.

That’s a wrap folks, congratulations to everyone who got a Kalabash Bulls**t Award which probably has more value than a ZimHipHop award. As we head towards 2017, stay safe, don’t drink and drive or drive and drink or drink then drive or drink just a little bit then drive or think about driving while drinking, or drink then drive someone nuts….basically what I’m trying to say is if it involves drinking and driving, don’t do it, the two just don’t go hand in f**kin’ hand gaddhemeti!