Why MDC’s 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan May Actually Work

 

by Simba The Comic King

Whenever election time “looms,” political candidates start promising people crazy s**t if you vote for them like getting your d**k sucked at a bachelor party and all of it will be filmed for the whole world to see how small a d**k you have. Every once in a while though, their promises do make sense but somehow always fall short when it comes to implementation. Implementation is like Kryptonite to Zimbabwean politicians; it scares all the brilliant plans out of them. MDC recently announced their intentions to not only revive the economy but create a 100 billion dollar economy in 100 days as well, now at first when you hear that s**t you’re like, “Holy flying f**ks, is MDC now having their policies written by Simba the Comic King?!” But after a bit of reading into it, you realize that by some crazy chance their plans might actually work because….

Government Will Be Right Sized

In an interview with the Daily News, MDC’s shadow Finance Minister, Tapiwa Mashakada revealed how the MDC will go about s**tting in ZANU PF’s faces assuming ZANU is in the mood to let them take over and they don’t have enough money to hire NIKUV and a few bags of weed to pay rowdy youths. It’s clear how most of Zimbabwe’s problems began when the government started employing ghost workers (and I’m not talking about Casper) who also randomly awarded themselves with bogus positions and salaries that would make you doubt your own existence. Mashakada outlined how they intend to cut down, disperse or more appropriately kick ghost workers the f**k out of government as soon as Tsvangirai is sworn in. By this simple move, their 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan will be halfway through.

Acting On Corruption

It’s a known fact that most of the rich folks in this country are individuals who have indulged in a wee bit of corruption over the years. MDC has resolved to weed out this corruption in 100 days. The only thing I’d suggest is that they get Lameck to run this department as he’s most likely get all this done in 48 hours.

International Support System

President Mugabe has on many occasions castigated Western Imperialist forces and because Western Imperialist forces have been castigated several times they got to a point where they were like, “Not a problem, here’s some sanctions, let’s see you castigate that.” No country is an island and Zimbabwe desperately needs international support to rebuild the economy. If you think about it MDC is the lesser evil that’s in the best position to achieve this. I mean sure you have other-parties-that-came-out-of-the-woodworks-whose-names-I-don’t-even-remember-cause-they-are-that-irrelevant but what all these other parties have in common is that they do not have a feasible track record. They are just a bunch of wannabe’s who got kicked out of ZANU, leaked sex tapes and thought, “Surely a sex tape will get me sworn into State House?” I’ve always said never trust political parties that are formed when elections are close by cause those f**kers always have a tendency of disappearing like $15 billion dollars when elections are over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of the MDC but I believe if we are going to vouch for the lesser evil we might as well vouch for them because they are the prospective party to garner much needed financial support by the mere fact that we know where they’ve come been.

Free Primary and Secondary Education

Well this makes a whole lot of sense than bringing goats to school. Zimbabwe is the only country in the world where Mbudzi is a place, phone, month and now they want to make it a currency?! I don’t particularly agree that education should be entirely free but however if they can even cut down fees, even just a bit, this would take the burden off parents who are struggling to make ends meet and at the midst of ends-meeting-struggles, they have to deal with bosses that just won’t pay them their salaries. You are basically caught in between a rock and a hard d**k because on one end you can’t keep going to work for nothing but on the other you can’t spend the whole day with the wife cause she’s not gonna give some to an unemployed bastard so you struggle on and don’t complain lest your employer asks you, “You goat a problem?”

Resuscitation Of Industry

Once upon a time Zimbabwe used to be the home of the mighty ZISCO Steel, then a villain known as ZANU PF challenged their might and destroyed one of the most fundamental structures of the country’s economy…industry. The Movement for Democratic Change envisions a Zimbabwe that will be driven by industrialization and modernization as well as decentralization. Don’t ask me what all of that s**t means cause I just copy and pasted what I read and just by the complicatedness of the words you can tell that s**t makes a whole lot of sense. If MDC succeeds in reopening industries this will mean jobs will be created as well instantly killing two birds with one policy. All revenue will find its way to the Consolidated Revenue Fund and greedy cops who solicit bribes in the name of fundraising will be just about as extinct as dinosaurs and urban grooves.

Like we said earlier, all of these are just plans and plans only make as much sense as the implementation behind them. All we can say whoever you will be voting for in 2018 is up to you but please do make sure you are registered to vote, I mean if you signed up for a Facebook account that’s the least you can do gaddhemeti.

#HIFA2017 Survival Guide

 

by Simba The Comic King 

Motherf**kin’ HIFA is back! You may wonder why the exclamations mark? Well, that’s because a comma wouldn’t have been the appropriate thing to put at the end of a sentence but also because we are excited, the only thing that would be more exciting that HIFA is news that Robert Mugabe has stepped down but that’s probably not going to happen in another million or so years. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Sit down, Be Humble and show me something natural like a** with some stretch marks.” So because we are excited as f**k, we have come up with a survival guide that will help you through the grueling six days that is HIFA.

Get Your Dreadlock On

There’s a song that goes something like, “You don’t have to have dread to be rasta,“ if you’ve ever heard that song then I’d like to tell you that’s a lie. You do need dread to be rasta and more importantly, you need it to get a white tourist from Czechoslovakia or any other country with a name that’s hard to pronounce. It is a well-known fact that HIFA is pretty much the only time we get to see our beloved Caucasian friends in the CBD, the rest of the time they dwell in their country….Borrowdale. So if you have been going through hard economic times and wish to get a VISA in a country with a name that’s hard to pronounce, visit your local salon and get yourself some dreadlocks. In fact, you should have done that s**t a few years back cause it takes a while for them to grow, guess your a** will have to wait for #HIFA2083.

Learn All The Appropriate Terms

We are well aware that English for us black people can be like electricity, sometimes there’s load shedding but nevertheless, that should not deter you from getting a bit of an education before purchasing your #HIFA2017 ticket. For example, black people, when you see the tickets advertising an Opera show, this is NOT Opera Mini. Opera is this really loud noise that usually comes from the mouths of people who failed at singing because they didn’t know how to put together words. For some reason, white people love this noise so much. Once you get your terms right go ahead and get that Opera ticket although you’ve been warned. It is quite unfortunate that the black people noise will not feature at this year’s HIFA. By black people noise, I’m talking about ZimDanceHall.

Watch A Comedy Show

If you don’t do noise the one thing you are guaranteed to love at HIFA is standup comedy and I may be saying this with a bit of bias. A fantastic line up of comedians are set to feature at this year’s HIFA including Carl Joshua Ncube, Doc Vikela and a bunch of obscure comedians who will go watch anyway because there are from countries with names that are hard to pronounce. In the history of HIFA, comedy shows have been known to sell out really quickly so be sure to get your tickets early!

Attend HIFA Opening And Closing Ceremonies

You could miss every other event at HIFA but the two things you definitely don’t want to miss are the opening and closing ceremonies. If you are broke though you could just settle for Coca Cola Green. The opening and closing ceremonies are the goddamn lifeline of HIFA, they are the only events known to bring Zimbabweans together since Pastor Evan Mawarire. This is where all the magic happens and if you’ve never seen fireworks in your life before I suggest this is where you go.

Well that’s it from Kalabash on how to survive #HIFA2017 gaddhemeti.

HIFA 2017 6-day program starts today!

 

By Kudzayi Zvinavashe

Running under the theme, Staging an Intervention, Harare is billed to come to life as the Harare International Festival of the Arts (HIFA) is set to open its doors to festival goers on the 2nd of May in what is slated to be a 6-day program.

Speaking at the press conference, HIFA Associate Executive Director, Tafadzwa Simba said It will be accurate to say that in terms of support, it is absolutely phenomenal there are thirty-nine local companies have supported HIFA this year which is more than even HIFA 2015”.

HIFA 2017 comes after the festival took 2016 as a sabbatical year, at their theme hints the journey they have endured thus far. As the confirmed by the HIFA founder and artistic director, Manuel Bagorro, “2016 was a very tough year for us not because of the internal nature of the organization there are always struggles within an arts organisation whether you are in Zimbabwe or whether you are in America, wherever you are. There are struggles and there are challenges because we are always trying to do more than we possibly can and that is a given. What was not a given was that we were not able to present the festival or chose to experiment in a different way”

In 2016, festival organisers tried held some events that were poorly attended; Earlier Simba described the move as their attempt to keep their stakeholders engaged. Bagorro said they are retaining the traditional 6 Day format because they discovered that is where the HIFA magic is but HIFA chairman, Muchadei Masunda said attempts in 2016 might have failed but future trustees who would serve in the festival board must keep an open mind around changing the traditional 6-day structure of the festival.

As American songwriter and musician, Bob Dylan once said, “what is art next to life” such has been the case in Zimbabwe where the arts sector has been in freefall as the majority of the masses have often found themselves focusing on more pressing issues.

The festival comes as a relief to the arts sector as many players had folded their operations serve for a few that continue to soldier on. HIFA 2017 will feature an array of acts that will cater for poetry, live music performances, theater, craft and many other forms of art and have partnered various entities which include, the US embassy, The European Union, United Nations and British Council.

Zim’s Craziest Headlines this Week

 

By Kalabash Contributor

It has been a wet and cold week from Harare one that got many admitting climate change is real. The downpours have stopped (for now) and a bit of sun is shining on the sunshine city.

As we look in the mainstream media, the use of goats to pay school fees has taken an interesting turn of events with Primary and Secondary Education Minister Lazarus Dokora has shed more light on the matter saying the issue was taken out of context what he meant was parents should sell their goats and use the money to pay for school fees. Very genius most parents with livestock hadn’t figured they could do this.

Air Simbabwe or Zimbabwe took another all-time low issuing out handwritten tickets for passengers flying from Johannesburg to Harare.  In the past weeks, there were reports that only one plane of the fleet was operational.

South Africa’s new minister of Police, Fikile Mbalula made careless statements about how Zimbabwe’s ex-soldiers were doing the robberies in South Africa and Zimbabwean doctors working in the kitchens without any statistics to support his words. We feel such reckless statements are what fuel afro phobia amongst Africans and it is such words that spark xenophobic attacks. All the same such events should get us thinking why so many of our Zimbabweans sisters and brothers are beyond our borders trying to make ends meet there.

Zanu Pf’s factional wars took an interesting turn, Kasukuwere survived what many may call the greatest threat to his political career thus far. We still watch from the terraces as these factional wars take interesting twists as we build up to the elections in 2018.

Irori Coin #KalaVenac

 

By King Kandoro

KalaVernac is the new Kalabash series supporting Zimbabwe’s indigenous languages! 

Irori coin ndiro rakabata mhuri yekwedu

Irori coin rinofanira kubhadharira mwana mari yechikoro

Rinofanira zve kuzotengera mbuya mushonga wemeso

Rinofanira zve kuzokwana usavi nekaupfu kanhasi, namangwana

Irori coin rikashaikwa panenge patosunama

Rakazomboshaikwa paya tete nababa vakapumana huroyi

Kubva ipapo hatina kuzombodzokera kumusha

Ini ndasuwa kuona mbuya

Asi baba vanoti hazvigoni nekuti irori coin harikwani kukwira bhazi

Ndakavabunza kuti seizve,

imi mave nemakore makumi maviri muchishanda kumine

Vakanditora vakaenda neni padivi

Vakati mwanangu, zvondokuudza izvi ndezvedu tirivaviri

Irori coin ndiro rega rasara muhombodo

Vekubasa vakandiudza kuti ndichiregera kuuya iwowu musi wechishanu

Usazoudze mai vako ndisati ndaronga zano

Ko baba aya mavanga manga morwa here?

Aiwa, mwanangu, ndakazvuzvurudzwa panze kuprivate lounge

Mushure mekunge ndakandira mumwe wevatambi irori coin

Kwai unoda kutikuvadzira vatambi vedu

 

Irori coin rine simba guru kwazvo

Rinogona kuita kuti upenyu hwako upfave

Asi chandinoda kuti kuti uzive pamusoro peirori coin ndechekudayi

Irori coin haridi homwe dzemubhero, rinosiya raboora

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Teerera zvemwanawe

Irori coin ukaenda naro kusoccer bet unogona kuswera wave nemacoin makumi

Chandinoda kuda ubatisise ndechekuti

Irori coin kana rapinda muhomwe mako wona kuti harisi kubuda

Chero imi mukoma vari muHiace wonayi kuti maramba muchitiza

Nekuti kana vakubatayi havatori riri rimwe

Vanenge vachida kukusiyai mumwe rimwe.

 

Irori coin ndiro raita kuti nditedembe kudai

Ndine chivimbo pane achanditenda nerimwe coin