Jah Prayzah And The Girl Who Shines Like The Light From The Sango

 

By Simba The Comic King

Every once in a while….actually make that every f**kin’ day, we look for a helpless victim on social media and criticize them viciously for no apparent reason. Sometimes we are not content with small fish so we look for much bigger and more famous prey. This weekend was no exception as the On-Your-Facebook-And-Twitter-Timeline jury took to the keyboards and keypads to criticize Jah Prayzah’s latest song which features that guy from Nigeria who seems to feature on everything these days.

The much hyped about song dropped on Friday and boy did it drop on the wrong bunch of niggas. Apart from connecting with others, making new friends and stalking the s**t out of that chick who always posts pictures of her doing stick-my- booty-out poses, Facebook’s other primary function is for people to unite and tell you just what the f**k they think about your s**t. The song got criticized for pretty much anything and everything from the lyrics with a line that sounds like “you shine like a light from the sango.” You shine like a light from the bush? This had most people thinking that maybe Jah is dating a girl called Moses. The actual lyrics are, “You shine like a light from the sun girl,” but I guess Jah’s problem is that he isn’t into fake accents so it just didn’t come out how we would have wanted it to come out. Maybe he needs to get lessons from those that now deceased hip hop group, Major Playaz.

So now we get to a very important question: what is the point of this article really? Initially there was no point, I just thought I’d take the opportunity to whip up some tasteless jokes about girls who shine like lights from bushes but then it occurred to me, how does all this negative energy reflect on us as a nation? Why do we bombard a man who is really going out of his way for Zimbabwe to become a music powerhouse in Africa? Does it really matter that “sun girl” sounds like “sango”? Does it really matter that every artist he sings with is forced to sing in Shona at gunpoint? The answer to those questions is I really don’t know the answer to all those questions.

What I do know though is that it’s pitiful for us as a people to criticize folks who are putting in humongous work. It reflects our collective insecurities. Some were of the opinion that the song wasn’t as good as his other songs….like duh, it not that it wasn’t as good, it just didn’t sound like the traditional dance you’re a** off kinda vibe we are used to from Jah. And I salute him because you know what the f**k he’s doing? It’s a little something called evolution but of course that’s something you wouldn’t understand because you have living in your grandfather’s house for forty years and so did your father before that before he got killed by some unnamed STI. I’m not saying one shouldn’t be criticized but come on, an entire country critiquing the man’s music as if all of our names are Mtandazo Dube, who actually gets paid to call out people on their s**t. You aren’t a critic, so relax. JP got his big break from songs like Sviriyo Sviriyo but then you can’t keep Sviriyoing Sviriyoing Yekedero right? Oops, the latter is a song by Andy Whistle and I think I left out a T somewhere in there but you get my point, right? Davido must be thinking, “What an ungrateful bunch of niggas, took four months for me to learn those two lines in Shona and do they know how hard it was not to say “woooo” at the end of every sentence gaddhemeti.”

How Zimbabweans Reacted To Mugabe Donating $1 Million To The African Union

 

By Watmore Makokoba

President of Zimbabwe (93) has donated US$1 million to the African Union purportedly to help the continental organisation to foster independence from donor funds, although this has been received with praises from some circles, widespread condemnation of the act rather speak of the act as a blooper and deviation from priority.

Human right defender and leader of ZimbabweYadzoka, a citizen movement currently in a massive rural voter education and mobilization said the gesture by Mugabe demonstrates the high level of insensitivity of this government on its people. “We are told Zimbabwe is broke and we can see nothing is moving in the country but our head of state is generously donating to AU.

“To those few who were still under a shadow of doubt, it is very clear that with Mugabe we are not going anywhere,

“He is not concerned with our problem, he doesn’t speak about our problems, “A week ago in Masvingo, he told unemployed youths to go and herd cattle, this shows you the insensitivity of our leadership, “Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

“Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

DR Maxwell Shumba, President of Zimbabwe People First (ZimFirst) described the gesture as a bribe to AU and daylight robbery to the people of Zimbabwe.

“Stealing our money to bribe AU, Mugabe decides to donate looted money to give AU money to buy their silence, “It shows how heartless he is. Zimbabweans are living in sub-human conditions ranging from the effects of a collapsed health sector, industry, and transport system and amid cash shortages,

“What does Mugabe do? Show the world what that he does. Or care about the citizens he purports to lead,

“I condemn strongly AU for accepting the bribe, this  action has no place in modern society and  that it is morally bankrupt, shame on both Mugabe and AU, “Once again Zimbabweans have been left to be skinned alive and by the dictatorship bent on rigging and bring those shown are supposed to call them out,

“The faster Zimbabweans know that we are on our own the better because we need to unite against this criminal behavior by Mugabe”, said Dr. Shumba.

The Zimbabwe Communist Party (ZCP) dismissed the donation as mere way to portray President Mugabe as a Pan-Africanist who wants to ensure that Africa is not dependent on institutions and governments outside Africa and secondly to reinforce the pretense that Zimbabwe has implemented a successful land reform programme.

“This in our view is hypocrisy of the highest order given the number of Zimbabwean migrants who are scattered all over the world in search of a better life due to the economic collapse caused by the plunder by the parasitic black bourgeoisie, the social class whose interests the ZANU(PF) government represents,

“People are dying because of the lack of drugs in our country. Students from poor communities cannot access schooling given the high fees charged by the Mugabe regime,

“We cannot donate our scanty resources to the AU when Zimbabweans are reduced to unprecedented poverty levels!” said Ngqabutho Nicholas Mabhena, spokesperson of ZCP.

The 1 million dollars is reported to have been raised after auctioning of Mugabe’s 300 cattle, practically and mathematically raising eyebrows that one beast must have been sold at more than $3000 yet on average, a cow would cost about $350-$400 in Zimbabwe.

In an interview with a German radio station, Zanu PF Chairman and Politburo member Simon Khaya Moyo, however, commended this as a good and strategic gesture as it would help AU to be self-sustaining.

 

#NkosiDzadzy for President

 

by Samantha Nyasha

Stop the press everyone, this just in. It looks like having a hot president is a thing of the future. And now Zimbabwe has a chance to have its own baelicious president in the form of Dr. Nkosana Moyo or as one Twitter user aptly called him #NkosiDzadzy. 

I mean forget about his policies, it’s nothing new that a candidate will ride on the coattails of his looks and likeability. Canada has Justin Trudeau and that face arguably helped him become Prime Minister. France has Macron, a young and handsome Commander in Chief and America had Obama who even got a Youtube hit, “Crush on Obama.” It cannot be denied that this is the generation that feeds off of Facebook and Instagram timelines and tweeter feeds. The generation of #Grandpabae. Your physical appeal can go a long way and should be taken advantage of it. Could likes on Facebook translate to votes? It’s highly likely. 

It’s what Lumumba tried to do and failed because he just tried too damn hard. But I understand If you’re not sold on his looks alone, here are a few facts from Pindula about Dr. Moyo.  

  1. He is the former Minister of Industry and Integration Trade – so technically he does have experience. 

  2. He has a Ph.D. in Physics – we all know how Zimbabwe values a well-educated president.

  3. He is a certified pilot – Ohh dzadzy, fly me away.  

  4. He was the CEO of Standard Chartered Bank Zimbabwe – he is here to not only break hearts but break this wretched curse on our economy. 

  5. He came up with the name Econet, now Zimbabwe’s leading telecommunications company – he’s creative people! What more would you want?! 

Okay okay, so that’s not enough to make someone president. But my eyes and ears are peeled and I can’t wait to hear about his policies and the kind of change he hopes to bring to Zimbabwe. So there you have it. There is a new presidential candidate in town. He happens to be a silver fox, a hottie, a dzaddy, a bae. EYE CANDY. Will his campaign managers realize the power of a good smize and maximize on the fact that many people could potentially vote for him because he is simply nice to look at? Time will tell. 

How Zimbabwe’s New Generation Of Voters Are Shaping 2018 Elections

 

By Kalabash Contributor

The feminist ideology, the future is female may be somewhat true on the global scene but in Zimbabwe’s case the future is in the youth before it can be made about sex, then again saying it is female disregards the equality most feminists have been calling for, anyway that’s a topic for another day.

The focus on youth Rallies by political players confirms that the view by critics that political parties are faced with the mammoth task of recruiting a new generation of voters in the forthcoming elections.  National Electoral Reforms Agenda (NERA) has been pushing towards mobilizing the youth to register for the forthcoming elections, the focus on youth by NERA is not an isolated one.

 

 

President Robert Mugabe being likened to Jesus cannot be any truer as he has been bringing about the rejuvenation of infrastructure in the areas where he has been having his youth rallies which are currently in progress and are set to take place across the country.

Like any other 90s baby I grew up to a generation of politicians that assured the youth that they were the future of tomorrow. That crop of politicians has not changed either has tomorrow came, the majority of parliamentarians have been shuffled and reshuffled. The opposition party has been around for so long, and its members have changed much despite being the party that positions itself as the pioneers of change.

Zimbabwean politics has always evolved around material things without any sound results to bank on.  The young voters should make use of results and policies to decide who to vote for on that basis instead of handouts in the form of maize, fertilizer which would not last long or better yet a piece of land that one cannot afford to develop.

Image courtesy of Animal Detectors

#FeesMustFall And What It Means For Zimbabwean Tertiary Education

 

By Simba The Comic King

South Africa is a country we’ve borrowed a lot of things from; we’ve even borrowed the country itself. Heck, you could even say Zimbabwe is now a province of South Africa which is great for me I’ve always wanted to date a Xhosa chick. Sorry, ignore that last part; I have a serious disease called ‘Going off topic-tes’. This week social media went up in flames with pictures of University Of Zimbabwe students who seemed to be stoning police with diplomas and degrees.

 


The source of the commotion was the unfair increase of medical students fees from $700 to a mind-blowing (6month salary-blowing as well) $1,900. Then you wonder why 99% of the s**t I write about is dedicated to ZANU PF.  The University officials responded by doing the only logical thing they could think off which is kicking out students from dorms out into the cold this is a pity cause you can’t exactly make a sex tape outside now, can you? Also present at the protest was superhero/Pastor, Evan Mawarire who had come to pray with the students so basically it was the mating of two hashtags, #ThisFlag and #FeesMustFall.

 

Of late ZANU PF’s cash-strapped government has been resorting to one of the most ridiculous methodologies to try and squeeze the little bond notes citizens make to try and cover for monies that have “mysteriously vanished” over the years. In the wake of such an outrageous increase in fees what does this mean for aspiring and current medical students? Does this spell doom for their potential careers? Does this mean they have to wake up from that cold University Of Zimbabwe pavement, pack up and head to some cheaper varsity in Czechoslovakia? No, what it actually means is that our government is failing the future of its country, that one those old crusty doctors at Parirenyatwa die, we will live in a doctorless society and unless you have a Xhosa girlfriend, that diarrhea is going to f**kin’ kill you.

It’s already bad enough that when virtually all university students finish studying they have to walk out into a jobless society. Now the government has to go a couple of steps further by depriving them an education as well? Congratulations Zanu PF, if this idea of independence you are doing a great a** job. It’s almost as if it’s a crime for choosing to pursue an education in your country, sleeping on that cold varsity pavement one can’t help but think, “Why didn’t I apply for that scholarship in that country whose name I can’t even pronounce?” Only just last week, two Zimbabwean students were arrested in Turkey for drug trafficking. These students were victims of a bogus scholarship agency. So if one can’t study in the country they were born in as well as other countries whose names are difficult to pronounce, where is one going to study gaddhemeti?