by Simba The Comic King
Whenever election time “looms,” political candidates start promising people crazy s**t if you vote for them like getting your d**k sucked at a bachelor party and all of it will be filmed for the whole world to see how small a d**k you have. Every once in a while though, their promises do make sense but somehow always fall short when it comes to implementation. Implementation is like Kryptonite to Zimbabwean politicians; it scares all the brilliant plans out of them. MDC recently announced their intentions to not only revive the economy but create a 100 billion dollar economy in 100 days as well, now at first when you hear that s**t you’re like, “Holy flying f**ks, is MDC now having their policies written by Simba the Comic King?!” But after a bit of reading into it, you realize that by some crazy chance their plans might actually work because….
Government Will Be Right Sized
In an interview with the Daily News, MDC’s shadow Finance Minister, Tapiwa Mashakada revealed how the MDC will go about s**tting in ZANU PF’s faces assuming ZANU is in the mood to let them take over and they don’t have enough money to hire NIKUV and a few bags of weed to pay rowdy youths. It’s clear how most of Zimbabwe’s problems began when the government started employing ghost workers (and I’m not talking about Casper) who also randomly awarded themselves with bogus positions and salaries that would make you doubt your own existence. Mashakada outlined how they intend to cut down, disperse or more appropriately kick ghost workers the f**k out of government as soon as Tsvangirai is sworn in. By this simple move, their 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan will be halfway through.
Acting On Corruption
It’s a known fact that most of the rich folks in this country are individuals who have indulged in a wee bit of corruption over the years. MDC has resolved to weed out this corruption in 100 days. The only thing I’d suggest is that they get Lameck to run this department as he’s most likely get all this done in 48 hours.
International Support System
President Mugabe has on many occasions castigated Western Imperialist forces and because Western Imperialist forces have been castigated several times they got to a point where they were like, “Not a problem, here’s some sanctions, let’s see you castigate that.” No country is an island and Zimbabwe desperately needs international support to rebuild the economy. If you think about it MDC is the lesser evil that’s in the best position to achieve this. I mean sure you have other-parties-that-came-out-of-the-woodworks-whose-names-I-don’t-even-remember-cause-they-are-that-irrelevant but what all these other parties have in common is that they do not have a feasible track record. They are just a bunch of wannabe’s who got kicked out of ZANU, leaked sex tapes and thought, “Surely a sex tape will get me sworn into State House?” I’ve always said never trust political parties that are formed when elections are close by cause those f**kers always have a tendency of disappearing like $15 billion dollars when elections are over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of the MDC but I believe if we are going to vouch for the lesser evil we might as well vouch for them because they are the prospective party to garner much needed financial support by the mere fact that we know where they’ve come been.
Free Primary and Secondary Education
Well this makes a whole lot of sense than bringing goats to school. Zimbabwe is the only country in the world where Mbudzi is a place, phone, month and now they want to make it a currency?! I don’t particularly agree that education should be entirely free but however if they can even cut down fees, even just a bit, this would take the burden off parents who are struggling to make ends meet and at the midst of ends-meeting-struggles, they have to deal with bosses that just won’t pay them their salaries. You are basically caught in between a rock and a hard d**k because on one end you can’t keep going to work for nothing but on the other you can’t spend the whole day with the wife cause she’s not gonna give some to an unemployed bastard so you struggle on and don’t complain lest your employer asks you, “You goat a problem?”
Resuscitation Of Industry
Once upon a time Zimbabwe used to be the home of the mighty ZISCO Steel, then a villain known as ZANU PF challenged their might and destroyed one of the most fundamental structures of the country’s economy…industry. The Movement for Democratic Change envisions a Zimbabwe that will be driven by industrialization and modernization as well as decentralization. Don’t ask me what all of that s**t means cause I just copy and pasted what I read and just by the complicatedness of the words you can tell that s**t makes a whole lot of sense. If MDC succeeds in reopening industries this will mean jobs will be created as well instantly killing two birds with one policy. All revenue will find its way to the Consolidated Revenue Fund and greedy cops who solicit bribes in the name of fundraising will be just about as extinct as dinosaurs and urban grooves.
Like we said earlier, all of these are just plans and plans only make as much sense as the implementation behind them. All we can say whoever you will be voting for in 2018 is up to you but please do make sure you are registered to vote, I mean if you signed up for a Facebook account that’s the least you can do gaddhemeti.