The Hard Truth: We Are Behaving Like Drunk Monkeys

 

By Patson Dzamara

The earlier we accept the quintessential fact that ZANU PF is a mafia organisation, the better. Anyone who thinks ZANU PF is a competitor to anyone must be deeply engrossed in kindergarten hallucinations of a bygone era.

As we stare the watershed 2018 elections, let it be clear to all and sundry that ZANU PF does not compete with anyone. As in the past, they are going to employ all means necessary to ‘win’ the forth coming election, by hook or crook. In fact, they have already started.

Unless if something drastic happens and unless we take a resolute stand, ZANU PF will bulldoze its way to ‘victory’, of course, relying on its modus operandi premised on terror and deceit.

Sadly, their path to ‘victory’ will be paved with innocent blood. They will spill blood and they will kill anyone standing in their way. They have already started unleashing their demons of terror, the most recent exhibit is the burning of MDC-T Vice President Engineer Elias Mudzuri’s property last night. Just last week, an MDC-T vehicle was burnt.

What is next? They are going to burn us too. They are going to kill us. They are going to torture us. They are going to abduct us.

Zimbabweans, we can’t continue doddering nebulously like inebriated monkeys on this dangerous path. It’s either we are really going to stand up to ZANU PF’s austerity or we must just allow them to continue scornfully urinating on our heads. And yes, in silence, we must live with the stench and discomfort it comes along with.

After the abduction of my brother, Itai Dzamara, I was at times tempted to think that it was not worth the sacrifice but that is not true. What we can’t do is to fail to honor the sacrifices of individuals like Itai Dzamara, Tonderai Ndira and many others who took a staunch stand against ZANU PF’s morbidity. They were willing to make the necessary sacrifices and the best way to honor them is to retrace their footprints and follow their bold steps.

We must do away with our stupidity and an insatiable penchant for trivia which doesn’t mean a bag of sugar. Day in and day out our clueless and myopic opposition parties leaders tear their inner wear in a bid to outmaneuver each other in signing stupid and meaningless MoU’s. That is rubbish. Yes, that is rubbish. It stinks.

For as long as we are not going to stay our minds on the prize, let’s forget it and let’s just allow these ZANU PF hoodlums to lead this beautiful nation of ours to its abattoir. We can’t allow this level of mendacity, skulduggery, and tomfoolery to persist neither can we afford to have other people sacrifice even their lives just for a few miscreants to play with our lives while masquerading to be leading us against evil ZANU PF.

All opposition political leaders must quickly shape up or ship out. We are sick and tired of the buffoonery they are exhibiting. As young people, we respect them and we want to work together with them to dismantle this gang of terrorists called ZANU PF but their childish games are not getting us anywhere. They (we) must all unite and deal with ZANU PF.

I shudder to project becoming or any young person fighting for a better Zimbabwe becoming another Itai Dzamara or a Tonderai Ndira while some old men and women behave like drunk monkeys.

For what????

These games have to stop now. This stupidity has to stop now. We can’t take it anymore. We can, we will and we must decapitate the monster but we must be serious or else we shall all die for nothing.

God forbid, but if ever we fail to cross over into a better Zimbabwe in our lifetime, shame on us. Shame on these men and women with poverty stricken egos who are purportedly presiding over the transition to a better Zimbabwe but in the actual fact aiding and sustaining the dictatorship by their mendacity and stupidity.

Patson Dzamara is a leadership coach, author, political activist and analyst based in Zimbabwe.

Image Courtesy of Newstarget

WTF? Madungwe Says Mboro Killed The Wrong Satan & Jesus Is Preaching In Hell

 

By Kalabash Contributor

In an interesting turn of events, controversial South African Prophet Mboro who recently claimed to have gone to hell and killed Satan may have killed the wrong Satan, an equally controversial Zimbabwean Prophet has revealed.

Speaking in an interview Prophet Talent Madungwe poured cold water to Prophet Mboro’s claims, “we arrested the devil on 6 June so these people they claim that they killed the devil but it was 26 June or 25 when I heard it that they killed the devil but by that time the devil was in the sky level with us so if they killed the devil they killed the wrong devil because they killed maybe someone who is not the devil maybe someone who worked the devil. The devil I still with the heavenly army in our custody as I’m speaking we shall release him on the 30th of July”.

Madungwe says while Satan is still in custody, Jesus Christ is preaching in hell for sinners and may redeem those who choose to repent. When quizzed on why they are set to release the devil at the end of the month, he said, “the devil is the tester of all people, you cannot enter heaven unless you get tested by the devil that’s why we are going to release him, but we have reduced his power so he is going to come back weaker as compared to before”

Madungwe is not new to controversy; his prophecies include statistics that put Zimbabwe on the top 10 list of nations that sin citing adultery as the more pronounced sin that landed Zimbabwe on the list.  This and a series of other prophecies that have led the majority of his countrymen to rubbish him as a mental case, Mandungwe in his defense has said, “that’s their view, yes I know these things we call them higher dimensions when I say higher dimensions these are complicated things”.

8 Things I Learned About The Tinder Dating App In The Past 2 Days

 

By Samantha Nyasha 

Tinder is an online dating app. An intimidating one at that. Mostly because its known as an app that is used by people who want to hook up. This is why I always hesitated signing up. But, after a conversation with one of my friends who happened to use the app, I was convinced and I decided to bite the bullet and try it out. Put myself out there. I was worried about the kind of people I’d find on the app or rather the kind of people I wouldn’t find. In my mind, it was an app for people looking for easy sex. I was worried about what joining Tinder would say about me. Desperate, sad and pathetic.

My Tinder profile

However, I soon realized that like any social media site, Tinder is a fast and easy way to meet people. Just like in real life you will meet all kinds of people. Awesome people, assholes, cute boys, not so cute boys, people you connect with, people you don’t connect with, you will meet future friends and most likely people who want to hook up and so on. The most important thing is that you are in control of who can message you and where things go. So if you’re curious about how the online dating game plays out in Zimbabwe. Here’s a few things I realized after using the app for a few days.

1. It’s like using a fast-food drive through

You get in, check out the menu and place your order, all in the comfort of your own home. If you are anti social. Tinder is bae. When you open the app, you are bombarded with hundreds of pictures of men or women who are 15km or less to where you are. You simply swipe left if you don’t like what you see, or right if you do like what you see. The catch? You can only get connected to people who have also swiped right on your pictures.

2. Keep it short and sweet

Unlike dating websites like Match.Com or eHarmony, that make you go through a torturous Q & A section that quite literally takes hours to complete, you will be signed up in 5 minutes or less with Tinder. All you need to do is upload pictures and write a short profile. You are more likely to get a response if you have great quality pictures and have a variety of pictures so that people get a good idea of what you really look like.

3. You have to sign up through Facebook

This one was a huge deterrent for me. And there doesn’t seem to be a way around this. I don’t want people on Facebook to know I’m on Tinder but they do promise that they wont post anything to your profile. They seem to mainly use your Facebook account for your profile pictures and work status. You can also see which of your Facebook friends are on Tinder by using the Swipe with Friends section which irked me and I panicked and quickly shut down my account but reassessed the situation and decided that I didn’t care if they saw my profile haha. They’re on there too so, your secret is mine 😉

4. Be prepared to swipe a lot

This ones important. I’m guessing for every 100 or so swipes you will get an average of about 10 – 20 guys you like. And of those 20 only about 5 will swipe right on your profile too. And of those five you might really only connect with 1 or none. So if you do your math, that means the more you swipe the better chance you have at meeting someone legit. Get yourself a glass of wine, relax and dedicate a good hour to swiping through different profiles. I’m guessing for every 100 swipes. You’ll probably only connect with 1 person.

5. #DistanceMatters

What makes Tinder unique is that it tries to connect you to someone who is physically close to where you are swiping from at that moment. So if you are looking to “hook up” with someone, whatever that means. This app is perfect. You can literally link up ASAP. It also makes it easier to meet up if you are just interested in getting to know someone on a one on one basis. If you run out of profiles to swipe, try using the app at a different location to where you normally swipe from and new profiles will come up.

6. Tinder users in Zimbabwe seem highly educated and intellectual

I did not have any dull conversations. Most people that messaged me wanted to know more about me. No one made any aggressive sexual advances. Most people hold degrees or are professionals. I talked to a doctor who works in China and speaks Mandarin. Most of the questions had nothing to do with sex but my interests, passions and work.

7. It can be awkward

This city is too small. I’ll say it again, Harare is too *fucking small. You will come across one or two profiles of people you know. A close friend, an ex, a family member which is just weird. But just swipe left  and pretend it did not happen.

8. Issa melting pot

As a black African woman. I tend to gravitate more towards black men and tend to stay in social circles with mostly black people. If you are interested in dating or getting to know people of different ethnicities, you have a better shot at making that happen on Tinder.  You are likely to find an open minded black/white/Indian person on Tinder that in real life cause lets be real. We have a lot of racial biases and prejudices in this country. People tend to stick to their own and that makes it harder to approach one another. I’m not saying if you swipe right on a vanilla guy with washboard abs he will swipe back at ya. But, the more you swipe on vanilla guys. The more chances you will get of connecting with someone and vice versa. #Maths

There you go. My final thoughts on Tinder are that its not what I expected. I was pleasantly surprised. I’m guessing it has a lot to do with the fact that using it in Zimbabwe is quite different than using it anywhere else in the world if you consider cultural norms and such. There are a lot of good looking guys. There are a lot of guys who seem to have genuine intentions. My goal was to swipe through as many profiles as possible. I signed up on Saturday so I’ve been on there for a full 2 days. I must have swiped through about 200 profiles, liked between 50 – 80 and got 8 matches. There are only 2 guys that I am having some pretty good/deep life convos with and one possible meet up on the horizon.  I was planning on deleting my account, article in tow but I like the app and I will keep it up for a full 7 days and see this experiment through. If you are curious and looking to meet new people. I recommend Tinder. Good swiping!

How Zimbabweans Reacted To Mugabe Donating $1 Million To The African Union

 

By Watmore Makokoba

President of Zimbabwe (93) has donated US$1 million to the African Union purportedly to help the continental organisation to foster independence from donor funds, although this has been received with praises from some circles, widespread condemnation of the act rather speak of the act as a blooper and deviation from priority.

Human right defender and leader of ZimbabweYadzoka, a citizen movement currently in a massive rural voter education and mobilization said the gesture by Mugabe demonstrates the high level of insensitivity of this government on its people. “We are told Zimbabwe is broke and we can see nothing is moving in the country but our head of state is generously donating to AU.

“To those few who were still under a shadow of doubt, it is very clear that with Mugabe we are not going anywhere,

“He is not concerned with our problem, he doesn’t speak about our problems, “A week ago in Masvingo, he told unemployed youths to go and herd cattle, this shows you the insensitivity of our leadership, “Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

“Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

DR Maxwell Shumba, President of Zimbabwe People First (ZimFirst) described the gesture as a bribe to AU and daylight robbery to the people of Zimbabwe.

“Stealing our money to bribe AU, Mugabe decides to donate looted money to give AU money to buy their silence, “It shows how heartless he is. Zimbabweans are living in sub-human conditions ranging from the effects of a collapsed health sector, industry, and transport system and amid cash shortages,

“What does Mugabe do? Show the world what that he does. Or care about the citizens he purports to lead,

“I condemn strongly AU for accepting the bribe, this  action has no place in modern society and  that it is morally bankrupt, shame on both Mugabe and AU, “Once again Zimbabweans have been left to be skinned alive and by the dictatorship bent on rigging and bring those shown are supposed to call them out,

“The faster Zimbabweans know that we are on our own the better because we need to unite against this criminal behavior by Mugabe”, said Dr. Shumba.

The Zimbabwe Communist Party (ZCP) dismissed the donation as mere way to portray President Mugabe as a Pan-Africanist who wants to ensure that Africa is not dependent on institutions and governments outside Africa and secondly to reinforce the pretense that Zimbabwe has implemented a successful land reform programme.

“This in our view is hypocrisy of the highest order given the number of Zimbabwean migrants who are scattered all over the world in search of a better life due to the economic collapse caused by the plunder by the parasitic black bourgeoisie, the social class whose interests the ZANU(PF) government represents,

“People are dying because of the lack of drugs in our country. Students from poor communities cannot access schooling given the high fees charged by the Mugabe regime,

“We cannot donate our scanty resources to the AU when Zimbabweans are reduced to unprecedented poverty levels!” said Ngqabutho Nicholas Mabhena, spokesperson of ZCP.

The 1 million dollars is reported to have been raised after auctioning of Mugabe’s 300 cattle, practically and mathematically raising eyebrows that one beast must have been sold at more than $3000 yet on average, a cow would cost about $350-$400 in Zimbabwe.

In an interview with a German radio station, Zanu PF Chairman and Politburo member Simon Khaya Moyo, however, commended this as a good and strategic gesture as it would help AU to be self-sustaining.

 

#NkosiDzadzy for President

 

by Samantha Nyasha

Stop the press everyone, this just in. It looks like having a hot president is a thing of the future. And now Zimbabwe has a chance to have its own baelicious president in the form of Dr. Nkosana Moyo or as one Twitter user aptly called him #NkosiDzadzy. 

I mean forget about his policies, it’s nothing new that a candidate will ride on the coattails of his looks and likeability. Canada has Justin Trudeau and that face arguably helped him become Prime Minister. France has Macron, a young and handsome Commander in Chief and America had Obama who even got a Youtube hit, “Crush on Obama.” It cannot be denied that this is the generation that feeds off of Facebook and Instagram timelines and tweeter feeds. The generation of #Grandpabae. Your physical appeal can go a long way and should be taken advantage of it. Could likes on Facebook translate to votes? It’s highly likely. 

It’s what Lumumba tried to do and failed because he just tried too damn hard. But I understand If you’re not sold on his looks alone, here are a few facts from Pindula about Dr. Moyo.  

  1. He is the former Minister of Industry and Integration Trade – so technically he does have experience. 

  2. He has a Ph.D. in Physics – we all know how Zimbabwe values a well-educated president.

  3. He is a certified pilot – Ohh dzadzy, fly me away.  

  4. He was the CEO of Standard Chartered Bank Zimbabwe – he is here to not only break hearts but break this wretched curse on our economy. 

  5. He came up with the name Econet, now Zimbabwe’s leading telecommunications company – he’s creative people! What more would you want?! 

Okay okay, so that’s not enough to make someone president. But my eyes and ears are peeled and I can’t wait to hear about his policies and the kind of change he hopes to bring to Zimbabwe. So there you have it. There is a new presidential candidate in town. He happens to be a silver fox, a hottie, a dzaddy, a bae. EYE CANDY. Will his campaign managers realize the power of a good smize and maximize on the fact that many people could potentially vote for him because he is simply nice to look at? Time will tell.