by Simba The Comic King
ZANU PF is the most ancient cult known to Zimbabwe. Some believe that is is older than the Illuminati itself or at least N’Sync. It is the ancient cult to follow if you are a mindless zombie f**k who can’t think for themselves. Forget the last part of that statement, you can’t think if you are mindless, can you? With elections looming it’s that time of the year where they bash in people’s heads in the name of campaigning. It doesn’t even matter that the priest of the cult isn’t looking too good this days, they have sworn that even in death he shall rule from some special chair that certainly isn’t of this planet. In the meantime, opposition cults seem to be indecisive in how they are going to take down this ancient cult choosing instead to spend more time posting self-motivational videos on Facebook. We’ve already read Think And Grow Rich a thousand times niggas what we need is a f**kin’ strategy because in case you hadn’t noticed, here is how the ancient cult is secretly winning 2018 elections before a youth leader can even say, “Soul Jah Love hachisi chinhu”…
Secretly Preparing A Biometric Voters’ Roll
In the past few months agents of the ancient cult have been going around rural areas undertaking what they term a “nationwide membership verification exercise” but what the rest of us know as Coerce-Punch-And-Kick-The-S**t-Out-A-Nigga-To-Make-Sure-They-Vote-For-You-In-2018. Under this exercise, the cult is recording the identification particulars and other biometric details of adults in rural and farming areas. An insider within the cult who obviously has never heard what the Illuminati does to f**ks who think they are bigger than the cult now, theorized that ZANU is most likely going to shove this data up the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission’s a** which will automatically give them a head start biometric voter registration (BVR) exercise begins. This may also explain why the exercise itself is taking f**kin’ ages to begin. Popular comedian Q Dube has a theory that if push comes to f**k, they may even indulge in accidental amputations to get the votes but then again who believes a comedian?
Use Of Dancehall Artistes At Rallies
If you’ve recently attended any of the ancient cult’s meetings, also known as ‘Meet-The-Youth’ rallies, you might have gone, “Hey look, isn’t that the guy who the song about running, running and Paws Paws?!” You’d be bloody right about seeing a guy who sang about running, running and Paw Paws because of late ZANU has been using dancehall artistes to attract crowds at their gatherings. Much of next year’s vote is expected to be cast by people who are still young enough to say, “Chibaba Chacho.” So it only makes sense that the youth be at the forefront of strategizing this campaign. They understand that the noise known as ZimDanceHall is enough to convince the jobless but music loving young person to vote for, “Chisekuru Chacho.”
Opening Of “Information Centres” in Rural Areas
Social Media has become the voice of the people as evidenced by the dry jokes that trend on a daily basis. ZANU is fully aware of this, which is why they have been opening Information Centres in rural areas where people will undoubtedly be beaten into opening a Facebook account and being forced to learn irrelevant s**t like hashtags. The second motive is to look like saints to the rural folk who can now spend their countless hours of unemployment browsing porn sites instead.
War Vets Stands Being Given To The Youth
The priest of the ancient cult fell out with the warriors who fought for the cult to exist (these are also known as war veterans). After he fell out with his niggas he raised his right fist and said, “F**k you for saying I’m too old and senile to run a cult, for that you are not getting a place to build your shacks.” Residential stands that were promised to war vets were then given to youthies, who now have land to pee on. That’s the only thing you can do on it really, how are you gonna make money to build a house when you don’t have a job?
Right under our noses, the ancient cult is getting ready to win next year’s elections while our noses are busy with smelling the sewage in our neighborhoods. If there is any chance of opposition cults taking power from the priest of the ancient cult whatever moves they have under their robes, now is the time to throw them moves on the table gaddhemeti.
Image from Financial Gazette