#NkosiDzadzy for President

 

by Samantha Nyasha

Stop the press everyone, this just in. It looks like having a hot president is a thing of the future. And now Zimbabwe has a chance to have its own baelicious president in the form of Dr. Nkosana Moyo or as one Twitter user aptly called him #NkosiDzadzy. 

I mean forget about his policies, it’s nothing new that a candidate will ride on the coattails of his looks and likeability. Canada has Justin Trudeau and that face arguably helped him become Prime Minister. France has Macron, a young and handsome Commander in Chief and America had Obama who even got a Youtube hit, “Crush on Obama.” It cannot be denied that this is the generation that feeds off of Facebook and Instagram timelines and tweeter feeds. The generation of #Grandpabae. Your physical appeal can go a long way and should be taken advantage of it. Could likes on Facebook translate to votes? It’s highly likely. 

It’s what Lumumba tried to do and failed because he just tried too damn hard. But I understand If you’re not sold on his looks alone, here are a few facts from Pindula about Dr. Moyo.  

  1. He is the former Minister of Industry and Integration Trade – so technically he does have experience. 

  2. He has a Ph.D. in Physics – we all know how Zimbabwe values a well-educated president.

  3. He is a certified pilot – Ohh dzadzy, fly me away.  

  4. He was the CEO of Standard Chartered Bank Zimbabwe – he is here to not only break hearts but break this wretched curse on our economy. 

  5. He came up with the name Econet, now Zimbabwe’s leading telecommunications company – he’s creative people! What more would you want?! 

Okay okay, so that’s not enough to make someone president. But my eyes and ears are peeled and I can’t wait to hear about his policies and the kind of change he hopes to bring to Zimbabwe. So there you have it. There is a new presidential candidate in town. He happens to be a silver fox, a hottie, a dzaddy, a bae. EYE CANDY. Will his campaign managers realize the power of a good smize and maximize on the fact that many people could potentially vote for him because he is simply nice to look at? Time will tell. 

How Zimbabwe’s New Generation Of Voters Are Shaping 2018 Elections

 

By Kalabash Contributor

The feminist ideology, the future is female may be somewhat true on the global scene but in Zimbabwe’s case the future is in the youth before it can be made about sex, then again saying it is female disregards the equality most feminists have been calling for, anyway that’s a topic for another day.

The focus on youth Rallies by political players confirms that the view by critics that political parties are faced with the mammoth task of recruiting a new generation of voters in the forthcoming elections.  National Electoral Reforms Agenda (NERA) has been pushing towards mobilizing the youth to register for the forthcoming elections, the focus on youth by NERA is not an isolated one.

 

 

President Robert Mugabe being likened to Jesus cannot be any truer as he has been bringing about the rejuvenation of infrastructure in the areas where he has been having his youth rallies which are currently in progress and are set to take place across the country.

Like any other 90s baby I grew up to a generation of politicians that assured the youth that they were the future of tomorrow. That crop of politicians has not changed either has tomorrow came, the majority of parliamentarians have been shuffled and reshuffled. The opposition party has been around for so long, and its members have changed much despite being the party that positions itself as the pioneers of change.

Zimbabwean politics has always evolved around material things without any sound results to bank on.  The young voters should make use of results and policies to decide who to vote for on that basis instead of handouts in the form of maize, fertilizer which would not last long or better yet a piece of land that one cannot afford to develop.

Image courtesy of Animal Detectors

We Must Not Wait For Mugabe To Die

 

By Patson Dzamara

A loser is essentially someone who gives up before exhausting all available options. With that in mind, there is a very dangerous but widely accepted fallacy we must address, especially as we stare at the do-or-die 2018 elections.

That Zimbabwe is hobbling on its knees towards a total precipice is incontestable. At the epicenter of the rot and debilitation in Zimbabwe is the unmistakably conspicuous and fading figure of Robert Mugabe.

Ever since the attainment of black majority rule in 1980, lurching from one political crisis to another, Zimbabwe’s political trajectory has been constructed around Mugabe. Bar his reliance on uncouth and underhand methods, for 37 years Mugabe has been the strongman, standard, and bellwether of Zimbabwean politics.

By now he could be comatose, but the system still hinges around him. For as long as he is alive, sadly, there seems to be no prospect for that to change. Radical reforms from within his party of sycophants are highly unlikely and would be doomed if anyone tried to initiate them. Even more sadly, from without, efforts to dismantle the corrupt system of patronage either lack the strength and political will to finish the job, or are themselves corrupted and antiquated.

It is this ugly reality which causes some people to pathetically and precariously hang their hopes for transformation on the thin and frail thread of the possibility of Mugabe’s death. That is a detestable product of myopia, fatalism, and cowardice.

Make no mistake; I am not under any illusion neither do I fall under the category of those clueless miscreants who believe that Mugabe possesses some supernatural powers. Die he shall, just like anyone else, but it is stupid for us to pin our hopes for change on the anticipation of his death.

The argument which is brought forward by the proponents of the warped theory that transition will be caused by Mugabe’s death is premised on somewhat unrealistic projections and assumptions. Firstly, nobody knows the day and time Mugabe is going to die despite the fact that he is increasingly succumbing to the inescapable pressure of his advanced age. Ever since my high school going days, the possibility and imminence of Mugabe’s death have always been the subject of much speculation. In fact, almost every year, he is rumored to have died only to resurface somewhere with his mischievous smile.

Secondly and most importantly, when analyzing or dealing with Mugabe, it is imperative to note that he is now more than a person. He is a system, an idea and a way of doing things. Mugabe, the person, may and will die but that won’t mark the end of Mugabe the system, idea, and way of doing business.

Indeed, there is a huge possibility that the death of Mugabe the person may upset Mugabe the system, approach, and way of doing things but there is more we can project. His death may accord Mugabe the system, idea, and way of doing business an opportunity to regenerate, reinvigorate and refocus, morphing into a much stronger outfit.

If Mugabe dies in power, that will be a monumental and generational political travesty. It will be a mockery of history-making proportions. Not only that, it will be an opportunity for the system to embolden its grip on power.

It, therefore, stands to reason that waiting for Mugabe to die, hoping his death will usher in change is not only an act of cowardice but stupidity. We must not wait for Mugabe to die, we must face him head on and deal with him. Our hopes for a better Zimbabwe must not be predicated on the anticipation of his death neither should we give him the satisfaction of living out his days scornfully urinating on your our heads.

We must remove him from power by any constitutional means possible. We must challenge him out of power. We must vote him out of power. We must pressurize him out of power through widespread unrest, agitation, protests and mass resistance.

I cherish the idea of Mugabe living to witness the transition into a new dispensation.

A new and better Zimbabwe is possible in our lifetime. We shall come face to face with it.

Patson Dzamara is a leadership coach and author, political activist, and analyst based in Zimbabwe.

Image source: Emma Carroll  

#FeesMustFall | Pastor Evan Mawarire Arrested With UZ Students, Here Is What We Know [Updated]

 

by Munya Bloggo

 

 

Today UZ Medical student planned a demonstration against the dramatic fee increase at the institution. Fees for medical students went from USD$700 to USD1,400. Pastor Evan seems to have been invited to address the students and “pray” with them. The University of Zimbabwe alleges that after Mawarire’s address the gathering turned violent with students throwing stones at UZ Security. No evidence of the violence has appeared on social media and all observations seem to indicate that the gathering was peaceful.

No evidence of the violence has appeared on social media and all observations seem to indicate that the gathering was peaceful.

The “prayer meeting” which seems to have been conducted in the area between the University of Zimbabwe’s Great Hall and the University admin block, a traditional gathering spot for student protests seems to have rubbed the authorities the wrong way as it resulted in the #ThisFlag Pastor being arrested along with other students. The University of Zimbabwe has a zero tolerance to student protests.

 

Mawarire and some of the students are currently detained at Avondale Police station in Harare, Zimbabwe. The video below of Mawarire at the police station appeared online soon after his arrest.

 

As it stands all medical students at the campus have been ordered off campus.

 

 

4 Ways ZANU PF Is Already Winning 2018 Elections

 

by Simba The Comic King

ZANU PF is the most ancient cult known to Zimbabwe. Some believe that is is older than the Illuminati itself or at least N’Sync. It is the ancient cult to follow if you are a mindless zombie f**k who can’t think for themselves. Forget the last part of that statement, you can’t think if you are mindless, can you? With elections looming it’s that time of the year where they bash in people’s heads in the name of campaigning. It doesn’t even matter that the priest of the cult isn’t looking too good this days, they have sworn that even in death he shall rule from some special chair that certainly isn’t of this planet. In the meantime, opposition cults seem to be indecisive in how they are going to take down this ancient cult choosing instead to spend more time posting self-motivational videos on Facebook. We’ve already read Think And Grow Rich a thousand times niggas what we need is a f**kin’ strategy because in case you hadn’t noticed, here is how the ancient cult is secretly winning 2018 elections before a youth leader can even say, “Soul Jah Love hachisi chinhu”…

Secretly Preparing A Biometric Voters’ Roll

In the past few months agents of the ancient cult have been going around rural areas undertaking what they term a “nationwide membership verification exercise” but what the rest of us know as Coerce-Punch-And-Kick-The-S**t-Out-A-Nigga-To-Make-Sure-They-Vote-For-You-In-2018. Under this exercise, the cult is recording the identification particulars and other biometric details of adults in rural and farming areas. An insider within the cult who obviously has never heard what the Illuminati does to f**ks who think they are bigger than the cult now, theorized that ZANU is most likely going to shove this data up the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission’s a** which will automatically give them a head start  biometric voter registration (BVR) exercise begins. This may also explain why the exercise itself is taking f**kin’ ages to begin. Popular comedian Q Dube has a theory that if push comes to f**k, they may even indulge in accidental amputations to get the votes but then again who believes a comedian?

Use Of Dancehall Artistes At Rallies

If you’ve recently attended any of the ancient cult’s meetings, also known as ‘Meet-The-Youth’ rallies, you might have gone, “Hey look, isn’t that the guy who the song about running, running and Paws Paws?!” You’d be bloody right about seeing a guy who sang about running, running and Paw Paws because of late ZANU has been using dancehall artistes to attract crowds at their gatherings. Much of next year’s vote is expected to be cast by people who are still young enough to say, “Chibaba Chacho.” So it only makes sense that the youth be at the forefront of strategizing this campaign. They understand that the noise known as ZimDanceHall is enough to convince the jobless but music loving young person to vote for, “Chisekuru Chacho.”

Opening Of “Information Centres” in Rural Areas

Social Media has become the voice of the people as evidenced by the dry jokes that trend on a daily basis. ZANU is fully aware of this, which is why they have been opening Information Centres in rural areas where people will undoubtedly be beaten into opening a Facebook account and being forced to learn irrelevant s**t like hashtags. The second motive is to look like saints to the rural folk who can now spend their countless hours of unemployment browsing porn sites instead.

War Vets Stands Being Given To The Youth

The priest of the ancient cult fell out with the warriors who fought for the cult to exist (these are also known as war veterans). After he fell out with his niggas he raised his right fist and said, “F**k you for saying I’m too old and senile to run a cult, for that you are not getting a place to build your shacks.” Residential stands that were promised to war vets were then given to youthies, who now have land to pee on. That’s the only thing you can do on it really, how are you gonna make money to build a house when you don’t have a job?

Right under our noses, the ancient cult is getting ready to win next year’s elections while our noses are busy with smelling the sewage in our neighborhoods. If there is any chance of opposition cults taking power from the priest of the ancient cult whatever moves they have under their robes, now is the time to throw them moves on the table gaddhemeti.

Image from Financial Gazette