4 Ways ZANU PF Is Already Winning 2018 Elections

 

by Simba The Comic King

ZANU PF is the most ancient cult known to Zimbabwe. Some believe that is is older than the Illuminati itself or at least N’Sync. It is the ancient cult to follow if you are a mindless zombie f**k who can’t think for themselves. Forget the last part of that statement, you can’t think if you are mindless, can you? With elections looming it’s that time of the year where they bash in people’s heads in the name of campaigning. It doesn’t even matter that the priest of the cult isn’t looking too good this days, they have sworn that even in death he shall rule from some special chair that certainly isn’t of this planet. In the meantime, opposition cults seem to be indecisive in how they are going to take down this ancient cult choosing instead to spend more time posting self-motivational videos on Facebook. We’ve already read Think And Grow Rich a thousand times niggas what we need is a f**kin’ strategy because in case you hadn’t noticed, here is how the ancient cult is secretly winning 2018 elections before a youth leader can even say, “Soul Jah Love hachisi chinhu”…

Secretly Preparing A Biometric Voters’ Roll

In the past few months agents of the ancient cult have been going around rural areas undertaking what they term a “nationwide membership verification exercise” but what the rest of us know as Coerce-Punch-And-Kick-The-S**t-Out-A-Nigga-To-Make-Sure-They-Vote-For-You-In-2018. Under this exercise, the cult is recording the identification particulars and other biometric details of adults in rural and farming areas. An insider within the cult who obviously has never heard what the Illuminati does to f**ks who think they are bigger than the cult now, theorized that ZANU is most likely going to shove this data up the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission’s a** which will automatically give them a head start  biometric voter registration (BVR) exercise begins. This may also explain why the exercise itself is taking f**kin’ ages to begin. Popular comedian Q Dube has a theory that if push comes to f**k, they may even indulge in accidental amputations to get the votes but then again who believes a comedian?

Use Of Dancehall Artistes At Rallies

If you’ve recently attended any of the ancient cult’s meetings, also known as ‘Meet-The-Youth’ rallies, you might have gone, “Hey look, isn’t that the guy who the song about running, running and Paws Paws?!” You’d be bloody right about seeing a guy who sang about running, running and Paw Paws because of late ZANU has been using dancehall artistes to attract crowds at their gatherings. Much of next year’s vote is expected to be cast by people who are still young enough to say, “Chibaba Chacho.” So it only makes sense that the youth be at the forefront of strategizing this campaign. They understand that the noise known as ZimDanceHall is enough to convince the jobless but music loving young person to vote for, “Chisekuru Chacho.”

Opening Of “Information Centres” in Rural Areas

Social Media has become the voice of the people as evidenced by the dry jokes that trend on a daily basis. ZANU is fully aware of this, which is why they have been opening Information Centres in rural areas where people will undoubtedly be beaten into opening a Facebook account and being forced to learn irrelevant s**t like hashtags. The second motive is to look like saints to the rural folk who can now spend their countless hours of unemployment browsing porn sites instead.

War Vets Stands Being Given To The Youth

The priest of the ancient cult fell out with the warriors who fought for the cult to exist (these are also known as war veterans). After he fell out with his niggas he raised his right fist and said, “F**k you for saying I’m too old and senile to run a cult, for that you are not getting a place to build your shacks.” Residential stands that were promised to war vets were then given to youthies, who now have land to pee on. That’s the only thing you can do on it really, how are you gonna make money to build a house when you don’t have a job?

Right under our noses, the ancient cult is getting ready to win next year’s elections while our noses are busy with smelling the sewage in our neighborhoods. If there is any chance of opposition cults taking power from the priest of the ancient cult whatever moves they have under their robes, now is the time to throw them moves on the table gaddhemeti.

Image from Financial Gazette

 

 

Zimbabweans Remember Cde Chinx

 

by Watmore Makokoba

Cde Chinx Chingaira passed away. People had to gather their minds in one accord, to reflect , retrospect and cherish his legacy. People of all walks of life poured out their thoughts of the all-time revolutionary musician and war veteran.

Putting aside his beliefs – political and non-political, the man seems to have lived a life of mixed episodes, from being the darling of the ruling Zanu Pf party Stewarts, his subsequent fallouts with the system, to being one of the prolific music composer who mesmerized his legion of fans with touchy melodies that will be difficult to erase from the memory lane.

Love, pain, sympathy and prejudice are all reflected in various sentiments of those who knew him, partially and mutually.

Fellow longtime musician and collogue Oliver “Tuku” Mtukudzi could not help but reflect how the whole music industry has been robbed of one of the senior legends.

Tiripakuchema Cde Chinx Chingaira. He was one of those amazing people I ever came across. We shall forever remember you. To Chingaira family we cry with you during these difficult times and we ask God to protect and support you during these difficult times. Zororai murugare Cde Chinx Chingaira”, said Tuku on his Facebook page.

The Bulawayo Dance Queen and musician expressed how shocked she was when she firstly received the shocking news of Chngaira’s death.

 “I just woke up to some sad news that Cde Chinx Chingaira is no more, Rest in Peace legend”

To Joshua Sako , fellow musician and  former “Third Chimurenga” staunch campaigner accomplice , the sad news of Cde Chinx  departure brought a retrospective down memory lane to the days when they were together pushing through song the infamous land reform program synonymous for gems like “Hondo yeminda”  and “Umhlabathi” which he did together with Police band and the late Marko Sibanda.

“Yesterday we lost a great man, very dear to me, Cde Chinx Chingaira. We shared the stage on many occasions during the National Galas as well as at the Presidential Inauguration at State House in 2002 alongside the late Marko Sibanda, Andy Brown, and Simon Chimbetu. My friend, mentor and hero,

“You taught me to be patient and to persevere and never give up however tough it may be… to stand by what is right no matter what”, said Sako.

The clergy was not left out in also expressing how he immensely contributed to the Anglican Church choir group claiming he a member of the church.

“Our condolences to the Chingaira family on the passing on of Chinx Chingaira Makoni, he was once a member of the St Aidans Anglican Church in Chitungwiza. MHDSRIP”.

The choir group dedicated to him a Hymn; KWASARA KUNESU with lyrics that goes:  “Makore mashoma tisati tasanganiswa nehama dzakafa…Tenzi gadziravo, mweya unemhoswa……”

Outspoken Minister for Higher and Tertiary Education and a member of the Zanu PF politburo Professor Johnathan Moyo wrote on his famous Twitter handle;

 

The time of Chinx ‘s mourning time also saw people putting aside their differing political ideologies and show a unity of purpose as even opposition political leaders took turns to pour in condolences messages.

MDC-T legislature Jessie Fungayi Majome posted on her Facebook wall words full of sympathy especially to Chinx’s wives and children, saying it only came to her realisation that one of her relatives is said to have been once married to the late Comrade.

“I went to extend my condolences to his widows, children and the wider family this morning. It was an honour to pose for this picture at his memorial with some of his children Lennon the eldest, Deeds Chingaira, Tina, Tutsi and the youngest Zeldana, his sister and brother sitting down and Senator Chief Chiduku of his rural home,

“I was surprised on Saturday to hear from my father Ken Majome that his late Mainini Catherine Mazuru was married to Cde. Chinx at some point and bore 3 children by him. The ties that bind!” she said.

“I became a fan and his music way back from 1980 – anthems they have become. A special talent deployment to the liberation of the people of Zimbabwe, may we live to enjoy the freedom that he fought for”

Surely, all that people said and are still saying cannot be accommodated here, but here are some mixed messages people sent out about Cde Chinx: (Please note, names of people withheld in the messages)

“I think the Chingaira family must just go and bury Chinx instead of waiting for those in power to declare him a national hero. Why wait, kana vasiri kuda havasi kuda

“I had wished to write you this letter in your lifetime. I know very well that injustice and colonialism forced you to leave school and join the liberation struggle and that you went to war to recover the head of Paramount Chief Chingaira who was beheaded by the white colonialists whom you were named after,

“Mukoma you returned to Zimbabwe and kept on singing for your supper and I know you had to grovel and played your party as a propaganda tool, hope you will be buried at Chingaira village where our ancestors lie”

“Did those fighters who fought got the satisfaction of what they fought for?, Is this the Zimbabwe Chinx Chingaira fought for where he got to at least own a house two months before death when others have mansions?”

All said and done, whether he is conferred with hero status or not, the family of the late revolutionary musician has described him as “their pillar of strength who left a legacy of love and unity and cared for his family”.

Cde Chinx left two wives and 14 children

 

Grievance Sipikita’s One Man Demo & Open Letter To President Mugabe

 

by Kalabash Reporter

A Harare vendor, Grievance Sipikita Tuesday held a one man demonstration at the Africa Unity Square and wrote a scathing letter urging President Robert Mugabe to take a firmer stance against rampant corruption perpetrated by his Cabinet Ministers and senior government officials, among other influential figures in the country.

In the strongly worded letter, Mr Sipikita pours out his heart without restraint to the country’s first citizen.

Download The Full Version Sipikita’s Letter

“I write this letter to you Mr President to express my democratic rights as enshrined in the constitution…which you signed into effect (sic) to air my displeasure and my disgust over certain issues that you as the head of state have failed to deal with leaving Zimbabweans questioning your capability to take  the nation forward”, wrote Sipikita.

“I am not fighting you, but a system in which you operate, a system that has left 90% of country’s population unemployed, half of the population scavenging abroad and a country without a national currency, 37 years after independence.

“Mr President, corruption is now normal in this country, even your RBZ Governor would agree with me that it is now a cancer which needs a strong leader to weed out, corruption is rampant in parastatals and government ministers office….Corruption is the cancerous disease sir that led to the closure of ZISCO Steel, Kamativ Tin mine and led to the suffering of Willovale Motor industry, GMB and the closure of diamond mining firms, which in turn exacerbated the current cash crisis”, says Sipikita in his hard hitting letter.

“Instead of taking a hard stance on perpetrators of corruption, you publicly defend them. With all due respect Mr President, this is a complete disregard of the rule of law. In addition sir, those implicated in corrupt activities are walking free and those with the constitutional authority to investigate corrupt officials are threatened and perceived to be enemies of the state, most of the vibrant companies that were regarded as the backbone of Zimbabwe were destroyed because of pillage, nepotism and corruption under your nose ”, he continues.

He also urged the President, to curb what he called excessive expenditure by downsizing his cabinet and cutting on foreign trips, arguing that their appointment is based on “patronage, cronyism and nepotism” rather than merit.

“Mr President, we have 31 Ministers and their deputies, 31 Permanent secretaries and 10 Provincial Ministers. How much are they consuming sir? Your government is consuming without producing….it does not need a rocket scientist to tell you that you appointed thugs and looters to run the affairs of Zimbabwe”, he continues.

“Zimbabweans are increasingly exasperated by your passivity in dealing with this repugnant act of treachery by your subordinates. You can ignore it at your own peril”, he concludes in his letter.

Open Letter to Pokello & Taka Chivore

 

Dear Pokie And Guy Who Got Two Minutes Of Fame By Posting About Women Who Friend & F**K Zone Guys

I originally wasn’t going to address this, I barely even tweeted about it but I have a sort of twisted moral obligation as a comedian to speak up. The same kind of twisted moral obligation Robert Mugabe has to destroy Zimbabwe (plus the fact that someone pays me to do this s**t).

At seeing this, most people may assume that the intent of this letter is to express my outrage over your little beef but alas given the nature of profession I don’t give a flying f**k and I encourage this sorta s**t because it is because of people like you that people like us actually have a job. If the two of you did not exist I’d probably be selling airtime or in the I-have-no-money-to-go-to-Chishawasha industry. The real purpose of this letter is to praise both of you and to sound a bit more politically incorrect, to kiss both your  a**es. Firstly to Taka I say to you, you rock dude! Those mean rebuttals of yours are unprecedented, they even scare the f**k out of a guy who does that for a living. I mean no one would ever think of using brilliant words like kuk**rwa and h**e was an especially nice touch. Only haters would insist that was a low blow. I’m in awe at how acute you are at posting on Facebook given that you run several businesses and all, talk about multi-tasking. Now that your micro seconds of fame are over it would be unfair to keep praising you so I move to my girl or rather the whole nation’s girl….Poke (back) llo.

If there is any woman in Zimbabwe who is highly innovative, it is you oh Queen Pokello, after all you are the very first woman who had a sextape that went viral despite the glaring absence of a headboard in the motion picture. Most women would have stopped there and would have capitalized on that fame to open a boutique or a brothel (the latter being the best option). You went on to star in the now defunct Big Brother Africa where you found the love of your (financial) death, Elikem. Stunner might be broke as f**k but he sure does a good job of not looking like it. Anyhoo, this letter isn’t meant to go back to past gwaanz alas people mistake it for Godo and ask me to dzora my shanje. You further went on to innovate the meaning of the word friend-zone, thanks to you, the friend-zone is right where niggas will prefer to be from now! If we can pay for air tickets…my bad, in my and Taka’s case that would be kombi fare. If we can just pay for kombi fare, get to f**k you while you have a husband?! Ain’t no deal sweeter than that! Men will register for the friend-zone faster than they’ll register to vote!

Never mind that all the men you mentioned in your rebuttals are the reason this country’s economy is getting f**ked in the a**. A bunch of thieves who unlike Robin Hood, they’ve stolen from the poor and given to themselves and their “sisters.” Being faithful doesn’t count when you are married to a broke tailor, we all know of No Sex Before Marriage but who the hell are these Zimbabweans for telling you No Yacht Parties After Marriage?! Only haters would say its Photoshop and only haters. Your comebacks on Taka’s post could have been as epic as your comebacks on Thomas Chizhanje’s post only that you made one grave mistake, you appealed to the people’s bad side by mentioning the magic word that shrivels up d**ks and dries up p***y: ZANU PF. Had you not reminded people how rich you are because of their suffering and spent a bit more time poke(llo)ing fun at Taka’s small d**k instead…you might have just won this one. As Zimbabweans, we are legendary for loving someone at one point and turning on them the next like they just tweeted Covfefe.

Well, you guys made our weekend really awesome and even the guys who usually wait for Monday to abuse workplace Wi-Fi spared a couple of cents to purchase bundles. That is what I call history made and I wish there was some sort of Facebook-War-Medal to give both of you but alas all you get is likes, comments, emojis, reactions and a Friendversary message gaddhemeti.

Yours Comically

Simba The Comic King

 

Why most young marriages fail the day they start

 

By Prince Noble (Papa)

In a typical buying and selling transaction, the product has no opinion. The buyer bargains with the seller and if they reach consensus ownership of the product changes. Unfortunately, our deep-rooted culture has been abused through greed to use the same principles on the girl-child in a trade commonly known as LOBOLA.

What started as a token of appreciation has now grown into a business which grosses five digits per transaction. The moment the girl is not included in the process she has already been labeled an accessory hence she has no opinion. Her family plays the role of the seller while the soon-to-be-husband assumes the position of buyer. However, that is not where the actual problem lies. I was part of an entourage trusted to go make Lobola payments for a friend a couple of years back. The total fee was pegged at $11 250. Wait! Let me breathe.

I survived the mini heart-attack, lets carry on. We paid $6 000 that afternoon, did I tell you that my friend earns $660? Now do the math. He raised $3000 by himself, took a $2000 loan from his employer and we (his boys) loaned him the other $1000. So the agreement was he would pay us back at $100 a month then his employer’s loan was to be paid at $300 per month.

So my friend not only did he now have a wife and a bigger apartment that required more money in rentals, he was now earning a net salary of $260. Luckily, the wife worked so she would chip in. As he was working on clearing the loans, the wife was the one buying groceries and stuff. This couple used to do dinner dates, movies, road trips while they were dating and they could no longer afford it. Marriage started feeling like a prison for both, they were happier just dating.

Then the wife fell pregnant, good lord how inconvenient. I will let you imagine the rest of the story but to sum the story up, my friend is now single. The economic toll caused by that hefty lobola transaction affected his young family so bad that they started fighting over everything, from the guy buying castle-lite 6 pack to the wife having a new hairstyle without consulting hubby. The shoe-string budget was killing them, it suffocated the life out of that couple.

While other cultures tend to have parents break the bank to support a young couple, we tend to drain every dime from a young couple. Remember this girl still has single friends who are still enjoying life. She thought she took a step ahead but realized later she moonwalked into poverty because he greedy father drained everything out of her husband.

A dude on a $660 salary could not make it work, now imagine the chances of these general civil servants with a salary of just over $300? Most young marriages fail the day they start. While some of my sisters take pride in huge sums of money being paid for their hand in marriage they fail to understand that they will now have to swim in a dry well.

Image courtesy of Fanie Fourie’s Lobola Movie