Zim is the 2nd most developed country in Africa… wait, what?


(Not so) Dear His Excellency.

Commander In Chief of the Armed Forces And President and First Secretary of Zanu PF, Chancellor of all State Universities, Life President of Zimbabwe and blah blah blah blah (you get the gist of it)

I was watching you speak the World economic forum and besides wondering why a man of your age, who in our culture should be resting and enjoying time with his grandchild, was still working when age dictates otherwise, I also wondered if you were speaking of modern day Zimbabwe. I listened to you as spoke and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. You said, and I quote, “Zimbabwe is one of the most highly developed country in Africa and after South Africa, I want to know which country has that level of development that you see in Zimbabwe.” You went on to mention that we have 14 universities and a 90% literacy rate and various resources and we have a strong agricultural industry and we are having a bumper harvest. I understand the disillusion. Between the many trips to Singapore and other nations, the little time you spend in this country isn’t enough to reality get a grip of what is on the ground. When you are in the country, you are surrounded by your fellow comrades and their wealth and riches could easily give you the impression that things are well in this country. Let me give you the facts on the ground about this “sovereign nation”.


Zimbabwe is poor. Period. We are nowhere near the top of the list of developed nations on this continent. If anything, we are moving backward while everyone else is moving forward. Your finance minister wants to take us as far back as the batter trade era and have us trade in livestock and other goods in exchange for services. We are slowly returning to gravel roads in many areas. We moved from tarred roads with potholes to gravel roads with a bit of tar. The roads you frequent, including the one to your rural area, are in perfect condition. The rest of us have to play ‘Who Can Dodge Better’ on our way to our various destinations. Every other day, many people lose their lives on these roads because of their dilapidated state. 37 years after independence and there has been insignificant development to our road network. The Harare – Masvingo highway has been a death trap for as long as I can remember and nothing has been done to improve that road and we speak of being developed? Where? Have you seen the state of these 14 Universities you speak of? Students are sleeping in overcrowded dormitories and rented rooms. And those that have graduated? The majority are just sitting in their homes with their degrees in hand. So of what use are those Universities? Of what use is the 90% literacy rate when people can’t use it anywhere?

And then we speak of resources. The people only hear of these resources when you or the media speak of them. That’s it. The ordinary citizen had benefitted nothing from the resources in this country. It is “our” ministers and yourself that benefit, no one else. What is happening is that the elite few are looting theses said resources and everyone else benefits nothing. If by “utilize” resources you meant the elite minority filling their personal coffers, then I agree, they are being utilized to the fullest. Then there is the state of our medical facilities. Basic healthcare has become a luxury very few can afford in this country. Hospitals don’t have the drugs they require most of the time and this means people aren’t receiving treatment when they need it. Many people are dying from ailments that shouldn’t be resulting in death because of how bad the health system is. Given how bad it is in towns and cities, I can’t even imagine how hospitals and clinics in rural areas are getting by. The whole of Zimbabwe has 14 psychiatrists. FOURTEEN. 14 psychiatrists for a population of about 16 million, 1.3 million of which are recorded psychiatry patients. Development.

I could go on and on and on about things that are actually happening in Zimbabwe, things that show that this development you speak of is a myth. Simply said, the people of Zimbabwe are suffering under your watch. Families are going to bed hungry under your watch. Children are vending under your watch. Communities rely on food aid under your watch. The police have become daylight robbers under your watch. Over 90% of Zimbabweans are unemployed under your watch. Zimbabwe is dying..under your watch! Development.


Developed Citizen

Image Credit Aljazeera.

Why MDC’s 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan May Actually Work


by Simba The Comic King

Whenever election time “looms,” political candidates start promising people crazy s**t if you vote for them like getting your d**k sucked at a bachelor party and all of it will be filmed for the whole world to see how small a d**k you have. Every once in a while though, their promises do make sense but somehow always fall short when it comes to implementation. Implementation is like Kryptonite to Zimbabwean politicians; it scares all the brilliant plans out of them. MDC recently announced their intentions to not only revive the economy but create a 100 billion dollar economy in 100 days as well, now at first when you hear that s**t you’re like, “Holy flying f**ks, is MDC now having their policies written by Simba the Comic King?!” But after a bit of reading into it, you realize that by some crazy chance their plans might actually work because….

Government Will Be Right Sized

In an interview with the Daily News, MDC’s shadow Finance Minister, Tapiwa Mashakada revealed how the MDC will go about s**tting in ZANU PF’s faces assuming ZANU is in the mood to let them take over and they don’t have enough money to hire NIKUV and a few bags of weed to pay rowdy youths. It’s clear how most of Zimbabwe’s problems began when the government started employing ghost workers (and I’m not talking about Casper) who also randomly awarded themselves with bogus positions and salaries that would make you doubt your own existence. Mashakada outlined how they intend to cut down, disperse or more appropriately kick ghost workers the f**k out of government as soon as Tsvangirai is sworn in. By this simple move, their 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan will be halfway through.

Acting On Corruption

It’s a known fact that most of the rich folks in this country are individuals who have indulged in a wee bit of corruption over the years. MDC has resolved to weed out this corruption in 100 days. The only thing I’d suggest is that they get Lameck to run this department as he’s most likely get all this done in 48 hours.

International Support System

President Mugabe has on many occasions castigated Western Imperialist forces and because Western Imperialist forces have been castigated several times they got to a point where they were like, “Not a problem, here’s some sanctions, let’s see you castigate that.” No country is an island and Zimbabwe desperately needs international support to rebuild the economy. If you think about it MDC is the lesser evil that’s in the best position to achieve this. I mean sure you have other-parties-that-came-out-of-the-woodworks-whose-names-I-don’t-even-remember-cause-they-are-that-irrelevant but what all these other parties have in common is that they do not have a feasible track record. They are just a bunch of wannabe’s who got kicked out of ZANU, leaked sex tapes and thought, “Surely a sex tape will get me sworn into State House?” I’ve always said never trust political parties that are formed when elections are close by cause those f**kers always have a tendency of disappearing like $15 billion dollars when elections are over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of the MDC but I believe if we are going to vouch for the lesser evil we might as well vouch for them because they are the prospective party to garner much needed financial support by the mere fact that we know where they’ve come been.

Free Primary and Secondary Education

Well this makes a whole lot of sense than bringing goats to school. Zimbabwe is the only country in the world where Mbudzi is a place, phone, month and now they want to make it a currency?! I don’t particularly agree that education should be entirely free but however if they can even cut down fees, even just a bit, this would take the burden off parents who are struggling to make ends meet and at the midst of ends-meeting-struggles, they have to deal with bosses that just won’t pay them their salaries. You are basically caught in between a rock and a hard d**k because on one end you can’t keep going to work for nothing but on the other you can’t spend the whole day with the wife cause she’s not gonna give some to an unemployed bastard so you struggle on and don’t complain lest your employer asks you, “You goat a problem?”

Resuscitation Of Industry

Once upon a time Zimbabwe used to be the home of the mighty ZISCO Steel, then a villain known as ZANU PF challenged their might and destroyed one of the most fundamental structures of the country’s economy…industry. The Movement for Democratic Change envisions a Zimbabwe that will be driven by industrialization and modernization as well as decentralization. Don’t ask me what all of that s**t means cause I just copy and pasted what I read and just by the complicatedness of the words you can tell that s**t makes a whole lot of sense. If MDC succeeds in reopening industries this will mean jobs will be created as well instantly killing two birds with one policy. All revenue will find its way to the Consolidated Revenue Fund and greedy cops who solicit bribes in the name of fundraising will be just about as extinct as dinosaurs and urban grooves.

Like we said earlier, all of these are just plans and plans only make as much sense as the implementation behind them. All we can say whoever you will be voting for in 2018 is up to you but please do make sure you are registered to vote, I mean if you signed up for a Facebook account that’s the least you can do gaddhemeti.

#HIFA2017 Survival Guide


by Simba The Comic King 

Motherf**kin’ HIFA is back! You may wonder why the exclamations mark? Well, that’s because a comma wouldn’t have been the appropriate thing to put at the end of a sentence but also because we are excited, the only thing that would be more exciting that HIFA is news that Robert Mugabe has stepped down but that’s probably not going to happen in another million or so years. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Sit down, Be Humble and show me something natural like a** with some stretch marks.” So because we are excited as f**k, we have come up with a survival guide that will help you through the grueling six days that is HIFA.

Get Your Dreadlock On

There’s a song that goes something like, “You don’t have to have dread to be rasta,“ if you’ve ever heard that song then I’d like to tell you that’s a lie. You do need dread to be rasta and more importantly, you need it to get a white tourist from Czechoslovakia or any other country with a name that’s hard to pronounce. It is a well-known fact that HIFA is pretty much the only time we get to see our beloved Caucasian friends in the CBD, the rest of the time they dwell in their country….Borrowdale. So if you have been going through hard economic times and wish to get a VISA in a country with a name that’s hard to pronounce, visit your local salon and get yourself some dreadlocks. In fact, you should have done that s**t a few years back cause it takes a while for them to grow, guess your a** will have to wait for #HIFA2083.

Learn All The Appropriate Terms

We are well aware that English for us black people can be like electricity, sometimes there’s load shedding but nevertheless, that should not deter you from getting a bit of an education before purchasing your #HIFA2017 ticket. For example, black people, when you see the tickets advertising an Opera show, this is NOT Opera Mini. Opera is this really loud noise that usually comes from the mouths of people who failed at singing because they didn’t know how to put together words. For some reason, white people love this noise so much. Once you get your terms right go ahead and get that Opera ticket although you’ve been warned. It is quite unfortunate that the black people noise will not feature at this year’s HIFA. By black people noise, I’m talking about ZimDanceHall.

Watch A Comedy Show

If you don’t do noise the one thing you are guaranteed to love at HIFA is standup comedy and I may be saying this with a bit of bias. A fantastic line up of comedians are set to feature at this year’s HIFA including Carl Joshua Ncube, Doc Vikela and a bunch of obscure comedians who will go watch anyway because there are from countries with names that are hard to pronounce. In the history of HIFA, comedy shows have been known to sell out really quickly so be sure to get your tickets early!

Attend HIFA Opening And Closing Ceremonies

You could miss every other event at HIFA but the two things you definitely don’t want to miss are the opening and closing ceremonies. If you are broke though you could just settle for Coca Cola Green. The opening and closing ceremonies are the goddamn lifeline of HIFA, they are the only events known to bring Zimbabweans together since Pastor Evan Mawarire. This is where all the magic happens and if you’ve never seen fireworks in your life before I suggest this is where you go.

Well that’s it from Kalabash on how to survive #HIFA2017 gaddhemeti.

HIFA 2017 6-day program starts today!


By Kudzayi Zvinavashe

Running under the theme, Staging an Intervention, Harare is billed to come to life as the Harare International Festival of the Arts (HIFA) is set to open its doors to festival goers on the 2nd of May in what is slated to be a 6-day program.

Speaking at the press conference, HIFA Associate Executive Director, Tafadzwa Simba said It will be accurate to say that in terms of support, it is absolutely phenomenal there are thirty-nine local companies have supported HIFA this year which is more than even HIFA 2015”.

HIFA 2017 comes after the festival took 2016 as a sabbatical year, at their theme hints the journey they have endured thus far. As the confirmed by the HIFA founder and artistic director, Manuel Bagorro, “2016 was a very tough year for us not because of the internal nature of the organization there are always struggles within an arts organisation whether you are in Zimbabwe or whether you are in America, wherever you are. There are struggles and there are challenges because we are always trying to do more than we possibly can and that is a given. What was not a given was that we were not able to present the festival or chose to experiment in a different way”

In 2016, festival organisers tried held some events that were poorly attended; Earlier Simba described the move as their attempt to keep their stakeholders engaged. Bagorro said they are retaining the traditional 6 Day format because they discovered that is where the HIFA magic is but HIFA chairman, Muchadei Masunda said attempts in 2016 might have failed but future trustees who would serve in the festival board must keep an open mind around changing the traditional 6-day structure of the festival.

As American songwriter and musician, Bob Dylan once said, “what is art next to life” such has been the case in Zimbabwe where the arts sector has been in freefall as the majority of the masses have often found themselves focusing on more pressing issues.

The festival comes as a relief to the arts sector as many players had folded their operations serve for a few that continue to soldier on. HIFA 2017 will feature an array of acts that will cater for poetry, live music performances, theater, craft and many other forms of art and have partnered various entities which include, the US embassy, The European Union, United Nations and British Council.

Zim’s Craziest Headlines this Week


By Kalabash Contributor

It has been a wet and cold week from Harare one that got many admitting climate change is real. The downpours have stopped (for now) and a bit of sun is shining on the sunshine city.

As we look in the mainstream media, the use of goats to pay school fees has taken an interesting turn of events with Primary and Secondary Education Minister Lazarus Dokora has shed more light on the matter saying the issue was taken out of context what he meant was parents should sell their goats and use the money to pay for school fees. Very genius most parents with livestock hadn’t figured they could do this.

Air Simbabwe or Zimbabwe took another all-time low issuing out handwritten tickets for passengers flying from Johannesburg to Harare.  In the past weeks, there were reports that only one plane of the fleet was operational.

South Africa’s new minister of Police, Fikile Mbalula made careless statements about how Zimbabwe’s ex-soldiers were doing the robberies in South Africa and Zimbabwean doctors working in the kitchens without any statistics to support his words. We feel such reckless statements are what fuel afro phobia amongst Africans and it is such words that spark xenophobic attacks. All the same such events should get us thinking why so many of our Zimbabweans sisters and brothers are beyond our borders trying to make ends meet there.

Zanu Pf’s factional wars took an interesting turn, Kasukuwere survived what many may call the greatest threat to his political career thus far. We still watch from the terraces as these factional wars take interesting twists as we build up to the elections in 2018.