WTF? Madungwe Says Mboro Killed The Wrong Satan & Jesus Is Preaching In Hell

 

By Kalabash Contributor

In an interesting turn of events, controversial South African Prophet Mboro who recently claimed to have gone to hell and killed Satan may have killed the wrong Satan, an equally controversial Zimbabwean Prophet has revealed.

Speaking in an interview Prophet Talent Madungwe poured cold water to Prophet Mboro’s claims, “we arrested the devil on 6 June so these people they claim that they killed the devil but it was 26 June or 25 when I heard it that they killed the devil but by that time the devil was in the sky level with us so if they killed the devil they killed the wrong devil because they killed maybe someone who is not the devil maybe someone who worked the devil. The devil I still with the heavenly army in our custody as I’m speaking we shall release him on the 30th of July”.

Madungwe says while Satan is still in custody, Jesus Christ is preaching in hell for sinners and may redeem those who choose to repent. When quizzed on why they are set to release the devil at the end of the month, he said, “the devil is the tester of all people, you cannot enter heaven unless you get tested by the devil that’s why we are going to release him, but we have reduced his power so he is going to come back weaker as compared to before”

Madungwe is not new to controversy; his prophecies include statistics that put Zimbabwe on the top 10 list of nations that sin citing adultery as the more pronounced sin that landed Zimbabwe on the list.  This and a series of other prophecies that have led the majority of his countrymen to rubbish him as a mental case, Mandungwe in his defense has said, “that’s their view, yes I know these things we call them higher dimensions when I say higher dimensions these are complicated things”.

Is Planet Of The Apes Racist?

 

By Director Z / Tatenda Mbudzi

Disclaimer: The following reviews, opinions will be extremely biased. BUT also come from a place of empathy, as the writer is a writer/director actor, and no-one ever sets out to make a bad film. In most cases.

CUT ME IN HALF AND CALL ME CINDY!!!

LAWD JISSUS.

HAAAAOLY SLOW POKES!

This was a great movie. The APES trilogy is currently the most consistently fucking awesome iteration of a franchise coming out of a studio.

If you have not seen the previous installments in the trilogy, I cannot recommend them highly enough.

The latest entry in the franchise WAR OF THE PLANET OF THE APES delves deep inside the trauma of loss and takes the moral challenge of Cesario into a new emotional realm. Can Caesar lead whilst still retaining his “humanity”?

There are moments of great sentiment, which are tactfully executed, so yes; while the heartstrings are being pulled upon, you can appreciate the subtlety with which they are drawn taut.

And the score! Reminiscent of a 70s sci-fi epic, but updated with rolling flair, keeps you locked into this new world.

They draw parallels to slavery which is at times ironic, and a little awkward, but that doesn’t bother me Massa! There is a scene (SPOILER) Where one ape, whips another in a work camp. It’s a powerful scene, that works given the context.

Yes. The APES franchise draws upon the emotions and injustices of human oppression. Where some might see slavery, others might see the Holocaust. I think my only concern is that it draws upon these struggles too tactfully.

And this is where my only gripe with the APES franchise comes into play. The film takes place in America, a land with a loaded racial history, slavery, abduction, Africans, Native Americans…

Nowhere in these three films are these dynamics explored. I always wonder what a conversation between Caesar,  and a disenfranchised minority, specifically a black person, whose ancestors had a similar experience, would have been like? For Caesar, “Ape” is a word of pride. Black people were called apes in a derogatory manner, this should be past tense, but Thierry Henri and other black players occasionally get bananas thrown at them whilst playing soccer.

In the movie, the main human forces opposing Caesar are building a wall. The parallels to Trump mania are pretty obvious, but nowhere does the American/Mexican dynamic enter into the scenario. Nowhere is it directly referenced.

There is a scene where Caesar’s main antagonist, THE COLONEL played by Woody Harrison,  lists off rivalries between famous historical figures, comparing his own relationship with Caesar. Napoleon, Churchill, and their opposites are listed off. I can’t remember them all…but I think I would have remembered if any of the names listed had been black versus white, African versus European. I mean Mandela vs. White South Africa? Mugabe versus Smith?

It’s still a great fucking movie, but I think there is a missed opportunity to evolve (ha, see what I did there) the storytelling and face head on, “the GORILLA in the room” so to speak, which is the backdrop of violent racism in America, or rather; that is America. Some of the APES that betray Caesar work for the humans and have the word Donkey, written on their backs. It becomes the ”slur” or pet name for the Army people to use for the defector Apes. Have you guys seen Full Metal Jacket? This is American Military, gone rogue. This is a festooning pit of hyper patriarchy and frat-man logic. There must be some guys calling the APES,  niggers. Watch Full Metal Jacket if you don’t believe me.

Actually, the only time I heard the word Nigger in the entire movie, was when I screamed it at the screen. I do a thing where if a character does something badass in a movie, (Batman, Bourne, Taken) I scream THAT’S MY NIGGA! Or THE NIGGA! It’s a reflex. Happens when I watch things alone. I was alone in a Zimbabwean Cinema at noon. And as I was about to yell it, I thought, well, this is ironic, because “Niggers” were considered Apes by racist white people, justifying slavery, and experimentation (Hitler did it too, so don’t feel too bad America). And now, I am yelling NIGGA ( not NIGGER) at an imaginary Ape,  played by a white guy ( Andy Serkis fucking killed that role). Did I actually yell it? I don’t remember, much like the movie is unclear about whether or not racial tensions ever existed.

When I was in America, there were limited Halloween costumes options for black people. Blade/The various Samuel L. Jacksons. I want to go as Caesar one day, and not have to explain why I think it’s okay, but I would have to because the movie didn’t go all the way in on the racial dynamics. Which American culture is so good at doing. Going ALL THE WAY! In fact, I would argue that the APES franchise takes place in a utopia where racism is no longer a thing, between ethnicities of humanity,  that is. Maybe this is the most hopeful part of the film.

You can see my Koba impression at my next stand up comedy show.

Tatenda Mbudzi is a filmmaker/comedian who rubs people the wrong way, or the right way (if the price is right)

His first feature film Zim High comes out this year- stars Tatenda Mbudzi, and Rick Cosnett from The Flash.

Twitter: @ta10da instagram: tatendambudzi

Facebook: The Tatenda

 

The Best Tweets From #JobsZanuCreated

 

By Munya Bloggo

Highfields Member of Parliament Psychology Maziwisa’s utterances at a public discussion has made a lot of Twimbos angry. Checkout the video

 


His words have received widespread condemnation with Zimbabweans taking to social media from Sunday 16 July to express their frustration. Here are some of the tweets from the hashtag #JobsZanuCreated

 


8 Things I Learned About The Tinder Dating App In The Past 2 Days

 

By Samantha Nyasha 

Tinder is an online dating app. An intimidating one at that. Mostly because its known as an app that is used by people who want to hook up. This is why I always hesitated signing up. But, after a conversation with one of my friends who happened to use the app, I was convinced and I decided to bite the bullet and try it out. Put myself out there. I was worried about the kind of people I’d find on the app or rather the kind of people I wouldn’t find. In my mind, it was an app for people looking for easy sex. I was worried about what joining Tinder would say about me. Desperate, sad and pathetic.

My Tinder profile

However, I soon realized that like any social media site, Tinder is a fast and easy way to meet people. Just like in real life you will meet all kinds of people. Awesome people, assholes, cute boys, not so cute boys, people you connect with, people you don’t connect with, you will meet future friends and most likely people who want to hook up and so on. The most important thing is that you are in control of who can message you and where things go. So if you’re curious about how the online dating game plays out in Zimbabwe. Here’s a few things I realized after using the app for a few days.

1. It’s like using a fast-food drive through

You get in, check out the menu and place your order, all in the comfort of your own home. If you are anti social. Tinder is bae. When you open the app, you are bombarded with hundreds of pictures of men or women who are 15km or less to where you are. You simply swipe left if you don’t like what you see, or right if you do like what you see. The catch? You can only get connected to people who have also swiped right on your pictures.

2. Keep it short and sweet

Unlike dating websites like Match.Com or eHarmony, that make you go through a torturous Q & A section that quite literally takes hours to complete, you will be signed up in 5 minutes or less with Tinder. All you need to do is upload pictures and write a short profile. You are more likely to get a response if you have great quality pictures and have a variety of pictures so that people get a good idea of what you really look like.

3. You have to sign up through Facebook

This one was a huge deterrent for me. And there doesn’t seem to be a way around this. I don’t want people on Facebook to know I’m on Tinder but they do promise that they wont post anything to your profile. They seem to mainly use your Facebook account for your profile pictures and work status. You can also see which of your Facebook friends are on Tinder by using the Swipe with Friends section which irked me and I panicked and quickly shut down my account but reassessed the situation and decided that I didn’t care if they saw my profile haha. They’re on there too so, your secret is mine 😉

4. Be prepared to swipe a lot

This ones important. I’m guessing for every 100 or so swipes you will get an average of about 10 – 20 guys you like. And of those 20 only about 5 will swipe right on your profile too. And of those five you might really only connect with 1 or none. So if you do your math, that means the more you swipe the better chance you have at meeting someone legit. Get yourself a glass of wine, relax and dedicate a good hour to swiping through different profiles. I’m guessing for every 100 swipes. You’ll probably only connect with 1 person.

5. #DistanceMatters

What makes Tinder unique is that it tries to connect you to someone who is physically close to where you are swiping from at that moment. So if you are looking to “hook up” with someone, whatever that means. This app is perfect. You can literally link up ASAP. It also makes it easier to meet up if you are just interested in getting to know someone on a one on one basis. If you run out of profiles to swipe, try using the app at a different location to where you normally swipe from and new profiles will come up.

6. Tinder users in Zimbabwe seem highly educated and intellectual

I did not have any dull conversations. Most people that messaged me wanted to know more about me. No one made any aggressive sexual advances. Most people hold degrees or are professionals. I talked to a doctor who works in China and speaks Mandarin. Most of the questions had nothing to do with sex but my interests, passions and work.

7. It can be awkward

This city is too small. I’ll say it again, Harare is too *fucking small. You will come across one or two profiles of people you know. A close friend, an ex, a family member which is just weird. But just swipe left  and pretend it did not happen.

8. Issa melting pot

As a black African woman. I tend to gravitate more towards black men and tend to stay in social circles with mostly black people. If you are interested in dating or getting to know people of different ethnicities, you have a better shot at making that happen on Tinder.  You are likely to find an open minded black/white/Indian person on Tinder that in real life cause lets be real. We have a lot of racial biases and prejudices in this country. People tend to stick to their own and that makes it harder to approach one another. I’m not saying if you swipe right on a vanilla guy with washboard abs he will swipe back at ya. But, the more you swipe on vanilla guys. The more chances you will get of connecting with someone and vice versa. #Maths

There you go. My final thoughts on Tinder are that its not what I expected. I was pleasantly surprised. I’m guessing it has a lot to do with the fact that using it in Zimbabwe is quite different than using it anywhere else in the world if you consider cultural norms and such. There are a lot of good looking guys. There are a lot of guys who seem to have genuine intentions. My goal was to swipe through as many profiles as possible. I signed up on Saturday so I’ve been on there for a full 2 days. I must have swiped through about 200 profiles, liked between 50 – 80 and got 8 matches. There are only 2 guys that I am having some pretty good/deep life convos with and one possible meet up on the horizon.  I was planning on deleting my account, article in tow but I like the app and I will keep it up for a full 7 days and see this experiment through. If you are curious and looking to meet new people. I recommend Tinder. Good swiping!

How Zimbabweans Reacted To Mugabe Donating $1 Million To The African Union

 

By Watmore Makokoba

President of Zimbabwe (93) has donated US$1 million to the African Union purportedly to help the continental organisation to foster independence from donor funds, although this has been received with praises from some circles, widespread condemnation of the act rather speak of the act as a blooper and deviation from priority.

Human right defender and leader of ZimbabweYadzoka, a citizen movement currently in a massive rural voter education and mobilization said the gesture by Mugabe demonstrates the high level of insensitivity of this government on its people. “We are told Zimbabwe is broke and we can see nothing is moving in the country but our head of state is generously donating to AU.

“To those few who were still under a shadow of doubt, it is very clear that with Mugabe we are not going anywhere,

“He is not concerned with our problem, he doesn’t speak about our problems, “A week ago in Masvingo, he told unemployed youths to go and herd cattle, this shows you the insensitivity of our leadership, “Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

“Our people are tired and as we go around the rural communities the suffering is obvious” said Chimhutu.

DR Maxwell Shumba, President of Zimbabwe People First (ZimFirst) described the gesture as a bribe to AU and daylight robbery to the people of Zimbabwe.

“Stealing our money to bribe AU, Mugabe decides to donate looted money to give AU money to buy their silence, “It shows how heartless he is. Zimbabweans are living in sub-human conditions ranging from the effects of a collapsed health sector, industry, and transport system and amid cash shortages,

“What does Mugabe do? Show the world what that he does. Or care about the citizens he purports to lead,

“I condemn strongly AU for accepting the bribe, this  action has no place in modern society and  that it is morally bankrupt, shame on both Mugabe and AU, “Once again Zimbabweans have been left to be skinned alive and by the dictatorship bent on rigging and bring those shown are supposed to call them out,

“The faster Zimbabweans know that we are on our own the better because we need to unite against this criminal behavior by Mugabe”, said Dr. Shumba.

The Zimbabwe Communist Party (ZCP) dismissed the donation as mere way to portray President Mugabe as a Pan-Africanist who wants to ensure that Africa is not dependent on institutions and governments outside Africa and secondly to reinforce the pretense that Zimbabwe has implemented a successful land reform programme.

“This in our view is hypocrisy of the highest order given the number of Zimbabwean migrants who are scattered all over the world in search of a better life due to the economic collapse caused by the plunder by the parasitic black bourgeoisie, the social class whose interests the ZANU(PF) government represents,

“People are dying because of the lack of drugs in our country. Students from poor communities cannot access schooling given the high fees charged by the Mugabe regime,

“We cannot donate our scanty resources to the AU when Zimbabweans are reduced to unprecedented poverty levels!” said Ngqabutho Nicholas Mabhena, spokesperson of ZCP.

The 1 million dollars is reported to have been raised after auctioning of Mugabe’s 300 cattle, practically and mathematically raising eyebrows that one beast must have been sold at more than $3000 yet on average, a cow would cost about $350-$400 in Zimbabwe.

In an interview with a German radio station, Zanu PF Chairman and Politburo member Simon Khaya Moyo, however, commended this as a good and strategic gesture as it would help AU to be self-sustaining.