Why MDC’s 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan May Actually Work

 

by Simba The Comic King

Whenever election time “looms,” political candidates start promising people crazy s**t if you vote for them like getting your d**k sucked at a bachelor party and all of it will be filmed for the whole world to see how small a d**k you have. Every once in a while though, their promises do make sense but somehow always fall short when it comes to implementation. Implementation is like Kryptonite to Zimbabwean politicians; it scares all the brilliant plans out of them. MDC recently announced their intentions to not only revive the economy but create a 100 billion dollar economy in 100 days as well, now at first when you hear that s**t you’re like, “Holy flying f**ks, is MDC now having their policies written by Simba the Comic King?!” But after a bit of reading into it, you realize that by some crazy chance their plans might actually work because….

Government Will Be Right Sized

In an interview with the Daily News, MDC’s shadow Finance Minister, Tapiwa Mashakada revealed how the MDC will go about s**tting in ZANU PF’s faces assuming ZANU is in the mood to let them take over and they don’t have enough money to hire NIKUV and a few bags of weed to pay rowdy youths. It’s clear how most of Zimbabwe’s problems began when the government started employing ghost workers (and I’m not talking about Casper) who also randomly awarded themselves with bogus positions and salaries that would make you doubt your own existence. Mashakada outlined how they intend to cut down, disperse or more appropriately kick ghost workers the f**k out of government as soon as Tsvangirai is sworn in. By this simple move, their 100 Billion Dollar Economy Plan will be halfway through.

Acting On Corruption

It’s a known fact that most of the rich folks in this country are individuals who have indulged in a wee bit of corruption over the years. MDC has resolved to weed out this corruption in 100 days. The only thing I’d suggest is that they get Lameck to run this department as he’s most likely get all this done in 48 hours.

International Support System

President Mugabe has on many occasions castigated Western Imperialist forces and because Western Imperialist forces have been castigated several times they got to a point where they were like, “Not a problem, here’s some sanctions, let’s see you castigate that.” No country is an island and Zimbabwe desperately needs international support to rebuild the economy. If you think about it MDC is the lesser evil that’s in the best position to achieve this. I mean sure you have other-parties-that-came-out-of-the-woodworks-whose-names-I-don’t-even-remember-cause-they-are-that-irrelevant but what all these other parties have in common is that they do not have a feasible track record. They are just a bunch of wannabe’s who got kicked out of ZANU, leaked sex tapes and thought, “Surely a sex tape will get me sworn into State House?” I’ve always said never trust political parties that are formed when elections are close by cause those f**kers always have a tendency of disappearing like $15 billion dollars when elections are over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of the MDC but I believe if we are going to vouch for the lesser evil we might as well vouch for them because they are the prospective party to garner much needed financial support by the mere fact that we know where they’ve come been.

Free Primary and Secondary Education

Well this makes a whole lot of sense than bringing goats to school. Zimbabwe is the only country in the world where Mbudzi is a place, phone, month and now they want to make it a currency?! I don’t particularly agree that education should be entirely free but however if they can even cut down fees, even just a bit, this would take the burden off parents who are struggling to make ends meet and at the midst of ends-meeting-struggles, they have to deal with bosses that just won’t pay them their salaries. You are basically caught in between a rock and a hard d**k because on one end you can’t keep going to work for nothing but on the other you can’t spend the whole day with the wife cause she’s not gonna give some to an unemployed bastard so you struggle on and don’t complain lest your employer asks you, “You goat a problem?”

Resuscitation Of Industry

Once upon a time Zimbabwe used to be the home of the mighty ZISCO Steel, then a villain known as ZANU PF challenged their might and destroyed one of the most fundamental structures of the country’s economy…industry. The Movement for Democratic Change envisions a Zimbabwe that will be driven by industrialization and modernization as well as decentralization. Don’t ask me what all of that s**t means cause I just copy and pasted what I read and just by the complicatedness of the words you can tell that s**t makes a whole lot of sense. If MDC succeeds in reopening industries this will mean jobs will be created as well instantly killing two birds with one policy. All revenue will find its way to the Consolidated Revenue Fund and greedy cops who solicit bribes in the name of fundraising will be just about as extinct as dinosaurs and urban grooves.

Like we said earlier, all of these are just plans and plans only make as much sense as the implementation behind them. All we can say whoever you will be voting for in 2018 is up to you but please do make sure you are registered to vote, I mean if you signed up for a Facebook account that’s the least you can do gaddhemeti.

#HIFA2017 Survival Guide

 

by Simba The Comic King 

Motherf**kin’ HIFA is back! You may wonder why the exclamations mark? Well, that’s because a comma wouldn’t have been the appropriate thing to put at the end of a sentence but also because we are excited, the only thing that would be more exciting that HIFA is news that Robert Mugabe has stepped down but that’s probably not going to happen in another million or so years. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Sit down, Be Humble and show me something natural like a** with some stretch marks.” So because we are excited as f**k, we have come up with a survival guide that will help you through the grueling six days that is HIFA.

Get Your Dreadlock On

There’s a song that goes something like, “You don’t have to have dread to be rasta,“ if you’ve ever heard that song then I’d like to tell you that’s a lie. You do need dread to be rasta and more importantly, you need it to get a white tourist from Czechoslovakia or any other country with a name that’s hard to pronounce. It is a well-known fact that HIFA is pretty much the only time we get to see our beloved Caucasian friends in the CBD, the rest of the time they dwell in their country….Borrowdale. So if you have been going through hard economic times and wish to get a VISA in a country with a name that’s hard to pronounce, visit your local salon and get yourself some dreadlocks. In fact, you should have done that s**t a few years back cause it takes a while for them to grow, guess your a** will have to wait for #HIFA2083.

Learn All The Appropriate Terms

We are well aware that English for us black people can be like electricity, sometimes there’s load shedding but nevertheless, that should not deter you from getting a bit of an education before purchasing your #HIFA2017 ticket. For example, black people, when you see the tickets advertising an Opera show, this is NOT Opera Mini. Opera is this really loud noise that usually comes from the mouths of people who failed at singing because they didn’t know how to put together words. For some reason, white people love this noise so much. Once you get your terms right go ahead and get that Opera ticket although you’ve been warned. It is quite unfortunate that the black people noise will not feature at this year’s HIFA. By black people noise, I’m talking about ZimDanceHall.

Watch A Comedy Show

If you don’t do noise the one thing you are guaranteed to love at HIFA is standup comedy and I may be saying this with a bit of bias. A fantastic line up of comedians are set to feature at this year’s HIFA including Carl Joshua Ncube, Doc Vikela and a bunch of obscure comedians who will go watch anyway because there are from countries with names that are hard to pronounce. In the history of HIFA, comedy shows have been known to sell out really quickly so be sure to get your tickets early!

Attend HIFA Opening And Closing Ceremonies

You could miss every other event at HIFA but the two things you definitely don’t want to miss are the opening and closing ceremonies. If you are broke though you could just settle for Coca Cola Green. The opening and closing ceremonies are the goddamn lifeline of HIFA, they are the only events known to bring Zimbabweans together since Pastor Evan Mawarire. This is where all the magic happens and if you’ve never seen fireworks in your life before I suggest this is where you go.

Well that’s it from Kalabash on how to survive #HIFA2017 gaddhemeti.

HIFA 2017 6-day program starts today!

 

By Kudzayi Zvinavashe

Running under the theme, Staging an Intervention, Harare is billed to come to life as the Harare International Festival of the Arts (HIFA) is set to open its doors to festival goers on the 2nd of May in what is slated to be a 6-day program.

Speaking at the press conference, HIFA Associate Executive Director, Tafadzwa Simba said It will be accurate to say that in terms of support, it is absolutely phenomenal there are thirty-nine local companies have supported HIFA this year which is more than even HIFA 2015”.

HIFA 2017 comes after the festival took 2016 as a sabbatical year, at their theme hints the journey they have endured thus far. As the confirmed by the HIFA founder and artistic director, Manuel Bagorro, “2016 was a very tough year for us not because of the internal nature of the organization there are always struggles within an arts organisation whether you are in Zimbabwe or whether you are in America, wherever you are. There are struggles and there are challenges because we are always trying to do more than we possibly can and that is a given. What was not a given was that we were not able to present the festival or chose to experiment in a different way”

In 2016, festival organisers tried held some events that were poorly attended; Earlier Simba described the move as their attempt to keep their stakeholders engaged. Bagorro said they are retaining the traditional 6 Day format because they discovered that is where the HIFA magic is but HIFA chairman, Muchadei Masunda said attempts in 2016 might have failed but future trustees who would serve in the festival board must keep an open mind around changing the traditional 6-day structure of the festival.

As American songwriter and musician, Bob Dylan once said, “what is art next to life” such has been the case in Zimbabwe where the arts sector has been in freefall as the majority of the masses have often found themselves focusing on more pressing issues.

The festival comes as a relief to the arts sector as many players had folded their operations serve for a few that continue to soldier on. HIFA 2017 will feature an array of acts that will cater for poetry, live music performances, theater, craft and many other forms of art and have partnered various entities which include, the US embassy, The European Union, United Nations and British Council.

The reality of being a loose radical in Zimbabwe | Part 1

 

by Dirk Frey

I have always been an outsider in one sense or another. I have never easily fit into the convenient boxes we are squeezed into. I straddle several, truly fit into none, and buck labels and easy preconceptions.

What am I talking about? Identity.

If you see me without talking to me, especially if your skin isn’t like mine, your first impression – “There goes a white guy” – is correct, but is nowhere near the full story. I am a white Zimbabwean, yes, but my parents aren’t from here. In fact, they aren’t from the same place themselves and don’t speak the same language. English is actually the third language I learned as a child, and when you talk to me you’ll hear that I don’t sound like you’d expect a white Zimbabwean to sound.

This reality of being a loose radical, socially, gave me a unique insight, by virtue of the situations I found myself in. I interacted with an saw the coloured community from a lot close than most whites do, I found myself in mixed company and the standard assumptions we make about ourselves and each other, I discovered, are social constructs that aren’t always accurate, and often simplistic generalizations.


And one thing I learned at school: The white community, like all other Zimbabwean communities, have an element of exclusivity. So because I didn’t talk like them, walk like them, act like them, I was an outsider… which suited me fine – my friends at school tended to be anything but white. I didn’t feel any urge to overcome the barriers to integrating with the white kids at school, and by associating with others even more ‘other’ than I, I added a layer of suspicion from them. And I didn’t fit in with the transient expatriate white community either. My family settled here, we weren’t going to move on after a few years, and our connection to Zimbabwe ended up being far stronger than to my parents’ countries of origin.

 

In fact, I only ever holidayed there. It was never home. The one time I spent any length of time in Europe as a child, the children there called me the ‘African Ape’.  It’s something that amuses me now, but it wasn’t fun at the time, and I couldn’t wait to return home. Today, I understand that part of our identity is a social construct – in that time and place, I had more in common with any other non-white African who finds themselves an immigrant in Europe than those I look like on the surface.

Yes, there are the obvious physical aspects of identity that are a given. I cannot change the colour of my skin or the fact I’m male (barring extensive surgery), where I was born, who I was born to. But there is far more to identity than that, much of which is determined by the society I grew up in. Then, finally, there is a small part that might be the most important: what I chose to do with it. And this is by far the most precious part of my identity, perhaps because I’ve had to fight to defend it: I am African. That is not a given. There are people with a similar background to mine that don’t feel themselves as strongly African, or at all. There are white people whose families have been here far longer than mine, yet when I asked them where they are from, they’ll talk about Wales, Scotland, Ireland etc.

After a lifetime of being ‘other’, I can understand and empathize with fellow Zimbabweans who aren’t viewed as ‘fully Zimbabwean’ because the language they speak came from South Africa. Let us be clear – the majority of Zimbabweans in the southwest have totems, and there weren’t so many who came with Mzilikazi to begin with – so the construct of them as ‘less Zimbabwean’ isn’t anywhere close to accurate.

In this way, and others, I’ve come to understand on a very personal level the dysfunctional nature of identity in Zimbabwe. The artificial, politically expedient story of the realest Zimbabwean being a black man who speaks Shona and votes Zanu is a problem. The concept of a ‘shona person’ didn’t exist before colonial times. And the colonial divide-and-rule story of Zimbabwe being split into two ethnic groups is just as artificial. Zimbabweans are not split into two monolithic blocks. Those whose ancestors adopted Mzilikazi and his Impi’s language along with their protection were and still are related, and sometimes very closely, to the people today considered as ‘Shona’.

Besides that, there is a rich variety of peoples with distinct languages and culture, and we as a people are waking up to that and seeking to embrace and protect that heritage of diversity. Yet the old colonial and Cold War ideas are still with us and do damage. And we as a nation are at a pivotal point in our history. We no longer believe the old lies, but we have yet to fully explore and settle a very important question – what does it mean to be Zimbabwean?

To be continued

Ngugi Vere: The Rose that Grew from Concrete

 

by Nyarie Munodawafa

Tupac left a work of art that was titled ‘The Rose That Grew From Concrete.’ This has become one of my favorite phrases as it truly resonates with my life and where I come from. Growing up from where we came from, we didn’t have many choices to give us hope, we didn’t have much, PERIOD! and the environment just wasn’t conducive to produce winners. At this point of my life I met an amazing person, happy and jovial then regardless of the struggle, we became really good friends and as life has progressed we have maintained our friendship and I must say I have the utmost respect for this dude. Did you hear me when I said we didn’t have much to fall back on? Yeah, I know his story first hand and how he has gone on to become a barrier breaker in his own right! He took down a system that was designed for him to fail. There were no options for us back then but he broke that system and made options for himself, nature said no but he said I will make it happen, I saw his struggle and I saw him break through and YES Ngugi Vere is that ‘rose that grew from concrete’

Ngugi as you all now know him is a fashion guru, he is a stylist, a fashion creative, a creative director and a producer who has rightfully earned his stripes in the fashion industry. He works with a lot of celebrities and prominent people and is a trusted household brand. His creative brain is to die for and the people who work with him live to tell this tale and so do the accolades that he has gained over the past years. Ngugi also has a heart of gold, he is currently running a Pads campaign to help less privileged girls who are in desperate need of sanitary wear, this is his own way of giving back and I applaud him for this.  He is also an amazing uncle to his nieces, his timeline is filled with their adorable photos (it’s the cutest thing ever), he is a great brother and a great friend.

Losing your mother at a young age is nothing I wish on anyone, I went through it and years later I still break down and wail. It’s tough and as a child, the effect this has on your life can literally break you especially if a mother is all you have. This loss had a huge impact on how Ngugi’s life would turn out and I had to get all the information on how this affected him and the turning point in his life. Ngugi gives us an all-access pass into his life to help us understand where his drives comes from, who he is, his past and his future and what it cost for him to become the man that we all know now.

 

Walk me through a Ngugi Vere day. How does it start off, what do u get up to and at what point do you call it a night? Do you have a morning or evening ritual?

Ngugi Vere aka King Vere wakes up at 6 am, pray for the day, hit the gym or exercise indoors then off to my meetings or studio. Sometimes it’s waking up to go fabric shopping or early morning shoots. My day can go from Personal Styling to Personal Shopping to Consultation meetings. Then make sure to get home before 9 pm for prayers and devotions. Of course, late supper while listening to music. I love music, it both soothes my soul and helps me to be creative. Afterward, I work til 2/3 am mostly working on designs or creating concepts.

Tell me about your childhood, what lessons you got from it and some of your happy moments?

As a child, I learnt a lot because I lost a lot of people I loved. I learned mostly to be strong, fight hard for life and trust in God, and not men. The pain and suffering I experienced after my mother passed away when I was just 10 years old made me realize some people are not who they pretend to be. Mostly, I found love in genuine people who had nothing to give me but love.

What do you consider to have been the lowest point in your life and how did you pick yourself up? What conversation did you have with yourself to sail you through?

My lowest point was losing the only person who made sense to my life. Losing someone who loved me more than life itself. Someone who believed in me even when my grades were low and would always look for ways to cheer me up (shopping). She inspired and influenced my love for fashion. She took me shopping every weekend and allowed me to choose clothes for myself. I grew up with my mom, just the two of us and she was so selfish with me. I only knew her and a few family members. My life was drowning and I had given up on life when I lost her. And 2 weeks after I lost her, I lost my 2nd love – my grandmother. I started drinking, smoking, taking drugs etc because I felt there was no point of existing after losing the greatest love. It was only 6 years later that it dawned on me that I was not gonna die anytime soon so I had to fix my life or else I would continue struggling alone. Already, I was suffering because all those who pretended to love me when my mom was alive disappeared. Then, I realised no one owes me anything in life, I have to sort out my life and live the life I had always dreamed of when mom was around. I started going to church, got saved and served in the house of the Lord. From then on I started living a positive life and believing in myself that good things could come out of my loss.

What mantra or mantras do you live by?

God first , Be Bold, Be Yourself.

How does Ngugi Vere choose his friends? And what advice would you give to a younger you concerning the people in your circle?

It is very critical to be in the right circles. Our environments influence how we live, think, talk and act. If those around you don’t inspire you to be great, you will never be great. You need to position yourself with positive and ambitious individuals.

Let’s talk business, how did you get started and why? What do you consider to have been the biggest break for you?

I have always been a business person but was never loud about it. I used to sell clothes in school and in the hood during the school holidays. Oh well, they called it dealing but I saw it as a business because I could make a profit from something I got for next to nothing because I have this ability to convince. And the fact that I used you to dress well made it easy for me to sell anything. My current business started in 2014 when I returned from Asia where I was shooting an International Reality show, Style Wars. I told myself that I would never work for anyone and I’m going to establish my fashion ideas in South Africa, I would keep trying til I made it. My biggest break was when I was handpicked to be part of an International show with top 6 stylists from around the world and I was the only African. I couldn’t believe it because I was jobless, less experienced but I got an opportunity of a lifetime. I knew it was God because people were refusing to work with me or intern me because I wasn’t gay. Apparently, to them, gays are more creative so every time I got turned down, the experience and lessons changed my life, particularly my views and perspective on fashion and styling. When I got back the same people who turned me down were now consulting me. I started working with a lot of celebrities and then my business started.

What is the Ngugi Vere brand all about, how has it set itself apart from all other African products on the market, what values does this brand uphold?

Ngugi Vere | Be Bold is a brand that believes in Africa, African aesthetic and what Africa carries. And we represent the character that Africans need to possess to conquer the world Fashion industries which is being BOLD. We believe only the ‘Bold’ can run this world. So our designs, approach, concepts and stories are all about spreading boldness and uniqueness. We telling an African story that hasn’t been heard.

Over the years what sort of challenges have you faced in setting up your business considering you started out at an early age, What lessons have you gotten from these experiences and what advice would you give to someone who is looking to be an entrepreneur at a young age?

Entrepreneurship has no age factor. It’s all about having a vision, determination, hunger, purpose and discipline. The same challenges you face at a young age are the same ones you will deal with when you’re older. So those should never be your focus. Your focus should be on achieving your vision and goals despite the challenges. If you are not patient and don’t have a strong heart to endure tough times then you are not ready to be an entrepreneur. You must be willing to learn every day.

Being an entrepreneur is not easy because the money does not always roll in, how then do you manage your finances bearing in mind bills and having to save for a rainy day or old age, what structure do you have in place

Entrepreneurship is all about taking risks. High risks equals high rewards. So one should never lay all their eggs in one basket. Have different streams of income so that one can support the other when the other under performs. And the other thing is to have a Savings Account which saves for future events; lobola, weddings, accidents, death etc. It will come in handy when your other streams of income are under-performing. My main structure though is Faith. Handover your business to God, let him be the CEO. When we fail, we fail together and it’s His baby to figure out a way to get us up, survive and strive. And paying tithes is key.

How do you prepare yourself for a meeting?

I pray first and share with God what my meeting is about and what I need to achieve. Then, I start motivating myself lol, telling myself ‘I AM THE BEST’. Then research about the client. Dress nice and put on my favorite cologne then I’m ready.

What do you wish you had done differently when you first got into the business and what does the future hold for the Ngugi Vere brand?

I don’t wish I had done anything differently. I did exactly the way it was supposed to be done. You don’t need to start perfect, you just need to start. I just focus on my future endeavors and opportunities. I look into expanding my brands into the European, Asian and middle East markets, and also expand my products. It is a very exciting future that just needs investments, but yea we trusting God for that.

Do you read? If yes what are your top three favorite books?

Yea, I do read a lot. My top 3 books; the Bible, Man’s Style manual, The Virgin by Richard Branson

You are loud about your faith? Who instilled these values in you and why does it mean so much to you?

My Faith came from when Salvation found me and my life found a new dawn. I have always lived my life through faith because when I asked people for help it was never there but God’s favor and love always showed up. And, I know only He understands me, my dreams and my hustle. He always rescues me in a time of need. So, I also try to inspire others to trust in God.

Your dream destination and who would you take with you?

My dream destination is between Maldives and Monaco. I’d love to take my late mother’s sister but I guess I can’t now. So my woman or my grandma.

If I don’t ask this question the ladies will have me on a platter, what are you looking for in a woman and what are you waiting for?

Kikikkkkkkkki! You just had to ask hey? Oh well, I am against divorce and single parenting so I would rather wait until I find someone who makes sense to me and feel I would never do without, than being in a relationship and realise I made a mistake and break up. The wait is worth the while for me until I’m certain. I just want everything to be perfect. Well, I want a woman with a smart mind, beautiful heart and body, a hustler, good dresser, God fearing, strong faith and above all who supports my hustle and makes me smile and laugh foolishly. In short, I want someone who compliments me; my faith and my hustle.

 

I hope and pray that Ngugi’s inspirational story helps you to understand that you have it within you to break any barrier, no matter what life has thrown at you, you can still rise above it all. If you rely on people and they let you down, keep on going, a door will soon open and you will rise to the top. Don’t give up just yet and keep fighting for your dreams. You too can be that rose that grew from concrete, continue to write your own story despite the obstacles and challenges that are before you.

Ngugi for allowing your story to inspire me and a lot of other people out there I say THANK YOU, go ahead and stand on whatever mountain top and yell, ‘mama you rose made it.’

 

Visit Nyarie’s blog on alhubbnyaree.com