Open Letter to Pokello & Taka Chivore

 

Dear Pokie And Guy Who Got Two Minutes Of Fame By Posting About Women Who Friend & F**K Zone Guys

I originally wasn’t going to address this, I barely even tweeted about it but I have a sort of twisted moral obligation as a comedian to speak up. The same kind of twisted moral obligation Robert Mugabe has to destroy Zimbabwe (plus the fact that someone pays me to do this s**t).

At seeing this, most people may assume that the intent of this letter is to express my outrage over your little beef but alas given the nature of profession I don’t give a flying f**k and I encourage this sorta s**t because it is because of people like you that people like us actually have a job. If the two of you did not exist I’d probably be selling airtime or in the I-have-no-money-to-go-to-Chishawasha industry. The real purpose of this letter is to praise both of you and to sound a bit more politically incorrect, to kiss both your  a**es. Firstly to Taka I say to you, you rock dude! Those mean rebuttals of yours are unprecedented, they even scare the f**k out of a guy who does that for a living. I mean no one would ever think of using brilliant words like kuk**rwa and h**e was an especially nice touch. Only haters would insist that was a low blow. I’m in awe at how acute you are at posting on Facebook given that you run several businesses and all, talk about multi-tasking. Now that your micro seconds of fame are over it would be unfair to keep praising you so I move to my girl or rather the whole nation’s girl….Poke (back) llo.

If there is any woman in Zimbabwe who is highly innovative, it is you oh Queen Pokello, after all you are the very first woman who had a sextape that went viral despite the glaring absence of a headboard in the motion picture. Most women would have stopped there and would have capitalized on that fame to open a boutique or a brothel (the latter being the best option). You went on to star in the now defunct Big Brother Africa where you found the love of your (financial) death, Elikem. Stunner might be broke as f**k but he sure does a good job of not looking like it. Anyhoo, this letter isn’t meant to go back to past gwaanz alas people mistake it for Godo and ask me to dzora my shanje. You further went on to innovate the meaning of the word friend-zone, thanks to you, the friend-zone is right where niggas will prefer to be from now! If we can pay for air tickets…my bad, in my and Taka’s case that would be kombi fare. If we can just pay for kombi fare, get to f**k you while you have a husband?! Ain’t no deal sweeter than that! Men will register for the friend-zone faster than they’ll register to vote!

Never mind that all the men you mentioned in your rebuttals are the reason this country’s economy is getting f**ked in the a**. A bunch of thieves who unlike Robin Hood, they’ve stolen from the poor and given to themselves and their “sisters.” Being faithful doesn’t count when you are married to a broke tailor, we all know of No Sex Before Marriage but who the hell are these Zimbabweans for telling you No Yacht Parties After Marriage?! Only haters would say its Photoshop and only haters. Your comebacks on Taka’s post could have been as epic as your comebacks on Thomas Chizhanje’s post only that you made one grave mistake, you appealed to the people’s bad side by mentioning the magic word that shrivels up d**ks and dries up p***y: ZANU PF. Had you not reminded people how rich you are because of their suffering and spent a bit more time poke(llo)ing fun at Taka’s small d**k instead…you might have just won this one. As Zimbabweans, we are legendary for loving someone at one point and turning on them the next like they just tweeted Covfefe.

Well, you guys made our weekend really awesome and even the guys who usually wait for Monday to abuse workplace Wi-Fi spared a couple of cents to purchase bundles. That is what I call history made and I wish there was some sort of Facebook-War-Medal to give both of you but alas all you get is likes, comments, emojis, reactions and a Friendversary message gaddhemeti.

Yours Comically

Simba The Comic King

 

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